Fred Miller ‎– "The Sounds Of Love ...A To Zzzz" (Yorkshire Records ‎– Yorkshire 27021) 1972

It sounds like Fred isn't entirely concentrating on pleazin' his woman. Fiddling around with his electronic organ,and twiddling the wrong knobs when he should be giving her his full attention. What's more he seems to have shoved a microphone in her mouth, without a windshield, to record her half-hearted ecstacy. Not any wonder that this run through of the orgasm alphabet ends with a Zzzzzzzz.
Another downpoint is the version of "Bolero", which always brings me a horrific flashback of the winter Olympics in 1984 when Torvill and Dean won Gold in the Ice Dance with that terrible, traumatizing medal winning routine. Granted, I would have preferred Fred Miller's version to have pumped out of the speaker system,complete with the moans and groans of sexual monotony.
Yes, women do it better......no not sexual intercourse, I mean messing about with electronic toys....they being, synthesizers. So that segués us nicely from all this semi-erotic nonsense into the stone age of electronica, when women ruled the Earth!?


Tracklist:

1.Scented Wind 5:20
2.Black & Blues 4:36
3.Midnight Waterfalls 9:30
4.Pavane 5:30
5.Bolero 14:00
6.Piano Concerto No 21 7:30

DOWNLOAD ahhhh to oooohhhhh HERE!

Unknown Artist ‎– "Fornicating Female Freaks" (Audio Stag Records ‎– A-1002) 1970

Another spoken word smut-fest from the John Waters school of acting, with dialogue from the The Sun (UK trash tabloid) school of journalism.
Back from the days when Lesbians were seen as perverts,or only did it because they weren't getting a good 'seeing to' by their husbands, we have some 'Bold Butchy Lesbians' indulging in ac/dc sex!?
Whatever a Bold-Butchy Lebian Freak is? I guess its, a slightly male acting female,whose wanton behaviour results in some "kinky nights of pure pleasure" with partners of the same gender?
Again the cover art is something special, but the poetry of the dialogue is only slightly less offensive than the preceeding 'Perverted Nympho Housewife" record;unless you are a Lesbian of course. Here lesbianism is portrayed simply as mere titilation for the male audience,and only an option if the young ladies in question didn't have a man to provide her with pleasure.

Tracklist:

A Fornicating Female Freaks (14:37)
B Fornicating Female Freaks (16:24)

DOWNLOAD direct from denmark HERE!

Unknown Artist ‎– "The Lustful Sexlife Of A Perverted Nympho Housewife" (Audio Stag Records ‎– A-1001) 1970

As spoken word recordings go, this is more avant-garde than the avant-garde could ever hope to be. This could provide the lyrics to any of a dozen new Whitehouse albums,especially the rather uncomfortable Anal Rape scene!?Anyone got any complaints just explain it away as 'Art',which is always the last refuge of the Scoundrel. Subversive stuff indeed,its just a pity a legion of self-exposing pervs in dirty raincoats misunderstood this work of art as cheap smutty stimulation for self-satisfying solo sex for one.
Now you don't have to go to Denmark or Sweden for top quality sound poetry ,like it says on the cover, you could get this erotic masterpiece from your local smut peddler with the blacked out windows.The sleeve art alone is worth the few bucks,just to know that When Jimmy the grocery boy fucks a bitch.... she stays fucked!
Like many a classical rennaisance painter ,all the nice young ladies mentioned in this 20th century rival to Titian are said to be "Built Like A Brick Shithouse"! Oh the Romance of it all.It's no surprise the 'artists' involved wanted to remain anonymous.Not everyone wants to be famous y'know? And sometimes its for a very good reason.

DOWNLOAD this filthy deflowering of romance HERE!

Eric Weber ‎– "Picking Up Girls Made Easy" (Symphony Press ‎– EW-1356) 1975

If you're a record geek, or an idiot, or gay trying to seem straight, this is the supreme guide on how NOT to pick up girls,and keep your virginity intact.
Who this idiot Eric Weber was is anyone's guess,but you can speculate that,like a lot of people who read this blog,he is likely a bespectacled geek and,very much, a drooling and desperate virgin.
Hear Mike,who'd be named Mr Dick Head in this modern era, in bird-pulling action action on the streets of Dallas involving complimenting the Woman...sorry... Chick, with the unfeasably large breasts on her Hair, then lying to her about being an advertising executive. The chick in question herself, sounds like Dick Emery,as Mandy,the "Ooooo you are awful,but I like you" character", as seen on British TV in the Seventies. A time and space that stands outside of reality in its sheer perfection.
Chicks like Art!? Chicks in Libraries are probably as bored as you are!? Chicks like ballet,but Guys wouldn't be seen dead there,so less competition!? Are just a couple of the nuggets of information that I learned from this cring-fest of a 'How To...' record. I had to listen to this in the same way I'd watch a Donald Trump press conference,with my hands over my eyes and ears seeing and listening through the fingers of my hand. You will not feel proud to be male with either of these unfortunate experiences, or in the case of a Trump speech,you will not feel proud to be male, or, human.
It is a jolly jape however, because all this was amazingly so alright in the seventies?

Tracklist:

A1 The Street Pick Up
A2 Love In The Library
A3 Single's Bar Action
A4 Woman's Clothing Store Pick Up
B1 The Ballet Is A Ball
B2 Museum Pick Up
B3 Walking The Dog
B4 Pick Up At The Beach

DOWNLOAD and enjoy an active wanking life HERE!

Petite M'amie ‎– "Girl Friend Baby Doll" (Victor ‎– SJV-511) 1971

Nowadays they make 'realistic' life size dolls that resemble Petite M'aimie (Kieko Mari), which is a quaint way of saying Girlfriend in French ("my Little Friend"), to use and abuse in whatever way the purchaser requires.
Back in the seventies the sex dolls looked like mister Blobby's slimmer cousin, and the only way to get your rocks off without an actual woman, was to play records like this....if you were Japanese of course.
This one is,on the surface, more innocent than the others I've posted, full of lots of giggling and whispering, and ,of course, some crying!? But I have a sneeking feeling that Petite M'Aimie might be suggesting that she is below the legal age of consent, which inflicts a darker tone on the proceedings somewhat.


Tracklist:
A1 Girl Friend 3:36
A2 Baby Doll 3:21
A3 Splendor 3:03
A4 Pardon 3:01
A5 Cry 2:50
A6 Make-Love 3:10
B1 Prologue 1:37
B2 Drive 3:27
B3 Coffee 4:23
B4 Wine 1:56
B5 Shower 4:30
B6 Date-Time 4:48

DOWNLOAD your new little friend HERE!

Mabuki Junko - "Ai No Dorei (Slave Of Love)" (Victor Records) 1980

My definition of "Avant Cheese" is turning out to be anything about sex it seems?
But it certainly fits into the DIY bracket, as in DIY sex for one category.
From the film, uncontroversially entitled, "All Women Are Whores", is the spoken word and dulcet singing tones of Mabuki Junko,who plays the Love Slave in question. Lots of whip action and crying going on here,and a surfeit of groaning;its more about pain than pleasure this time. There always seems to be a crying track in these Jap soft porn flicks. But it begs the question,What kind of perv bashes his bishop whilst listening to a imprisoned woman being whipped and crying,obviously in distress?You should be ashamed of yourself you filthy rotten disgusting excuse for a creepy perv bastard that you are!Crawl back under the rock that shat you out and diiiieeee!...right thats me sorted, who's next?
If this film was made and directed by some swedish art-house director called ,for example, Jurgen Harbormaster,the darling of the critics. This would be lauded as high art...but if its made by a bunch of depraved Jap's, its Smut! A payback for the Burma Railway perhaps?

Tracklist:

1 おもいで酒 = Omoide-zake 8:17
2 ふて節 = Fute-bushi 3:51
3 昭和枯れすすき = Shôwa Kare-susuki 14:41
4 ミスター・ロンリー = Mr. Lonely 1:24
5 みちづれ = Michizure 8:19
6 花街の母 = Hanamachi No Haha 11:51
7 理由もなく = Wake Mo Naku 3:07

DOWNLOAD to avenge the use of british slave labour in burma HERE!

Masami Kawahara & The Exotic Sounds ‎– "Ecstasy" ( Columbia ‎– YS-10077-J) 1970

Another Erotic album from Nippon, which gives a whole new perspective on the word 'Nips'.This involves more Japanese moaning and groaning to a hefty slice of vintage Japanese exotica erotica by Masami Kawahara & The Exotic Sounds.
Dunno whats going on with the young lady on the cover? She's either dead or drugged,or both?
Sonic-wise, the disc unleashes a whirlpool of Latin styled mondo -sexploitation sounds that get spiced up with feminine breathing , moaning and hissing, igniting a maelstrom of assorted erotic nonsense and sexual depravity. 
In all, it resembles a cheeky vixen engaged in some drug influenced rumpy-pumpy, hatching out cries, moans, sighs,unitelligable words and other naughty sounds such as the cracking of a whip and other such pervy sound bites , bringing out every possible noise made by a ballbuster on heat. 
The name of Kuwahara Masami may be an unfamiliar one but he was the person responsible for giving Ike Reiko her very distinct sound,or sounds,on her album for which he provided the musical backbone and arrangements unto which Ike could utter her depraved songs.He provided the backbone, and she provided the Boner. 
The album “ Kokotsu / Ecstasy”  however was recorded slightly before his engagement with Reiko.....which is why he couldn't think of a different title to call it, i suppose? 
Bloody weird those Nips.Especially the Nips with the clamps on 'em! (Titter yee Not!)
I guess this is the Japanese version of Ecstasy,which will generally involve some kind of sado-masochism and cruelty.There are some audible slapping sounds on bare flesh heard above the Exotic backing track.A japanese version of the American fad from the fifties, Martin Denny and Les Baxter etc;but the sexual element in the US version was more a suggestion rather than in your face perversion.
Tut Tut Tut! Those very naughty Japanese people!

Tracklist:

A1 Temptation
A2 Manha De Carnaval
A3 Taboo
A4 Jungle Drums
A5 Swahili
A6 Hombre Y Mujer
B1 Mit Day Lagoon
B2 Nightingale
B3 The Voodoo
B4 Flamingo
B5 Emiliano Zapata
B6 Poinciana

DOWNLOAD some exotic erotica HERE!

Ike Reiko -"恍惚の世界 / World Of Ecstasy" (Teichiku Records ‎– SL-1375) 1971

So somebody had to mention 'Avant Cheese' didn't they?.....you wanted it and boy are you gonna get it!
The way that Ike caresses that conical ended phallic microphone kinda suggests what you're gonna be in for,but its weirder than that. 
Staunch womens libber, Ike.....okay...i made that bit up.... But isn't it a womans right to unfurl her medium sized breasts to earn a crust? She might have been just, hot?.....don't judge her.
Thw whole thing sounds like the 'male' producer tried to just record half an hour of Ms. Reiko moaning and groaning into that conical ended phallus she had in her sensitive fingers;but, afterwards had the idea to get some 'erotic' lyrics together. Beneath the saucey singing, and first generation moaning,is a constant degraded third generation analogue tape copy of Ike's original groan-fest.At times it sounds like a dog whining at dinner time in the house next door.Other times like creaking floorboards,or a Baby writhing in a crib.Which is interesting because some versions of this are called,inexplicably, "You,Baby"!?
There are inevitably some pervy japanese behaviours betrayed in the song titles. Like 'Love Slave' which includes sounds of Flagellation with Ike clearly enjoying it.I dread to imagine what "Dawn Scat" is all about...mum,i'm frightened!
The library music backing tacks are suitably sleazy,and possibly ideal love-making music for under 18's....excuse me while I walk casually bent double to relieve myself in the toilet.....to Urinate thank you very much, not masturbate!!!...what kind of person do you lot think I am!?.....oh, yeah, a Loudmouth Tosser, I forgot.

Tracklisting:

1 The Woman Cannot Help It 3:19
2 It Is This Twilight 2:45
3 Vertigo 2:35
4 It Stops The Rain 3:02
5 Dawn Scat 3:02
6 I'm A Woman Named 3:08

7 Wandering Guitar 2:39
8 Angel 2:54
9 Experience 2:43

10 Rainy Day Blues 2:38
11 Love Slave 2:54
12 Chords Of Love 3:20

DOWNLOAD again into that diminishing supply of Kleenex HERE!

Antony Newley and Fiona Richmond - "Frankly Fiona" (Paul Raymond ‎– PR1121973) 1973

I said, better some cheesy listening than some normalsville Industrial boredom from former Czechoslavakia....well you ain't gonna find anything cheesier or sleazier than this erotic classic.
Music by the thinking mans Tommy Steele, Antony Newley, and voice by seventies nudey bird, Fiona Richmond.
(Apparently Newley was involved in a drug fuelled orgy at Roman Polanski's house,Sharon Tate was present,pregnant and active, a few nights before Tex Watson murdered all the inhabitants...sadly Newley had long gone before the Manson lot had arrived)
Cosi Fanni Tutti, of Throbbing Gristle, was a stable mate of Fiona Richmonds at Men Only magazine back in the early seventies. And I would love to hear these naughty monologues atop some of TG's industrial backdrops. Maybe Genesis P chose the wrong soft porn model for the group,or the grope?
The music has that certain John Barry,Ennio Morricone monophonic simplicité,that turns me into putty,even without the dulcet tones of Fiona Richmond  telling me what she wants me to do to her in her clipped, just off Chelsea, accent.
Antony Newley in the seventies, as a solo artist and singer, was something to behold.Open mouthed,as a child, i stared at this shocking exhibition of singing from beyond Mars.A proud exponent of the monobrow, his vibrato was like the buzz of a dying bumble bee in late august.Unbelievable stuff!..still is!
There were few musicians that would make my father leave the room,and second only to The Sweet, was Antony Newley, just pipping Max Bygraves for his dismissive venom. I played no end of Industrial and Punk in my bedroom,but none of that got anywhere near the same reaction as Antony Newley, and/or The magnificent Sweet.
Alas, Tony Newley was a very sucessful composer,and the soundtrack to "Frankly Fiona" was one of his more subtle triumphs. Needless to say he never won a Emmy or a Tony for this work,which makes Most Industrial records sound like the feem toon to a childrens telly programme....well almost. No doubt Tony got paid in kind by Fiona herself,and why not...it was the seventies man.

Weird fact: Tony Newley was one of the victims of the infamous 'Plaster Casters' of chicago,joining such contemporaries as Jimi Hendrix to have their nether regions imortalised in plaster of paris.

Tracklist:

A1 Fiona's Theme (Music And Introduction)
A2 My First Time
A3 Look At Us Now (Song)
A4 Latin Lover
A5 Vibrations
A6 Whenever I'm Alone (Song)
A7 Don't Do It In The Dark
B1 The Boys In The Band (Music And Introduction)
B2 Diner's Dessert
B3 You Are What You Eat (Song)
B4 Turn On
B5 The World Is A Circus (Song)
B6 Fiona's Fantasy
B7 My Baby Does It Good (Song)
B8 Climax

DOWNLOAD into a handy kleenex HERE!