Burzum - "Reh" (Self-Released Demo Cassette) 1991

Ooh Errrr.....you know you're in trouble when the seriously mentally ill bass player from Mayhem starts photocopying Aleister Crowley´s Astrum Argentum order sigil and uses it as a cover for his Demo.The one he sent to Euronymous,the Top chump in Mayhem, in '91.

Somehow Euronymous like it a lot and offered Jew hating Varg (Burzum)the recently vacated position of Bass Player in Mayhem.Yes the band that bust a blood vessel trying too hard to be the most infamous,most darkest, most fucked up Black Metal band in the whole of Christendom......well,..er...in Norway,at least.

If you've come here for some full blast raw Black Metal you may be disappointed? Recorded on a single mike placed in the centre of the room,this can only be described as......well,Crap?

Three tracks of slow Black Metal it says on the insert. Slow it maybe,Black-ish it ain't,Metal,certainly NOT, but it does have a meandering but muffled foggy charm that reminds one of the good ol' days of Fuck Off Records

Euronymous saw the potential anyway? 

The first ambient Black Metal band anyone?

Its a pity that the dearly departed leader of Mayhem couldn't have also spotted that Varg of Burzum, was a complete nut-job fruit loop sociopath who would kill him a few short years,plus a few immolated Norwegian churches later.

Its all just a bit of fun kids,don't take it all so effing seriously...especially Black Metal for fucks sake!? Sometimes its more subversive to sell out,and fade away?

Tracklist:

1. Lost Wisdom

2. Spell Of Destruction

3. Channeling The Powers Of Souls Into A New God

DOWNLOAD then fade away HERE!

Darkthrone – "Land Of Frost" (Self-Released) 1988

 

Whereas someone like,...say...Jandek,has a vision of life as a grim pointless reality; our Norwegian buddies in all those Death/Black metal groups,live in a fantasyworld almost as life unaffirming and silly as a Christian UFO Death Cult....but with better music. Especially when its as lo-fi as this jolly jaunt into the permafrost of the arctic Tundra of  Metal.

They think they're frightening us but their ,frankly, daft, game of thrones world is nowhere near as Horrific as the life as portrayed in any Jandek recording.

That Scot Walker album with Sunn(((o is probably the way to go for these growly long-hairs. A Jandek Death Metal collaboration would go a long way to lessen the silliness somewhat.

Not unlike that Metal collaboration album with Mark.E Smith (Mutation?), who continued to frighten the crap out of a bunch of very muscular Metalheads for the duration of his appearance.

Nevertheless, I do like a bit of Ferric-oxide cassette based Black Metal,with the production values of Danny and the Dressmakers.

I could listen to that all day as long as they don't do that growly barking thing they have a tendency to stoop to from time to time. Keep the vocals deep in the background please boys,and no suicides or murders please....not big, not clever.

Tracklist:

A1 Land Of Frost 3:57
A2 Winds Of Triton 1:53
A3 Forest Of Darkness 4:32
A4 Odyssey Of Freedom 3:26
A5 Day Of The Dead 5:23

DOWNLOAD frosty the headbanger HERE!

Mayhem – "Pure Fucking Armageddon" (Funny Farm inc) 1986

These Notorious Norwegian metallers were very naughty boys indeed. One could accuse them of taking it all rather too seriously, perhaps even taking it all a tad too far maybe? They nicked their name from Motorhead-a-likes and supposed Black Metal band numero uno,the UK's very own, Venom.So that kinda categorises them I guess?

Some call this Back Metal,or even Death Metal? I dunno,but because they dress like Metal kids with make-up on,does that make this metal? Its got some riffage going on,and hints of growly vocals,singing about ghosties,violence,and pure fucking armageddon.....stuff like that. So I suppose the pure derivative silliness of it all qualifies them as 'Metal'.It just sounds like a bunch of mad noise to me,like an avant-garde interpretation of Metal whith large chunks edited out,the opposite end of Sun(((((0. Basically I dunno what I'm talking about,but I like it...(sing).."Mamaaaa, it's only Black Metal but I like it,I Like It Yes I doooo".

Of course the back story to this band is that some of them actually wanted to back up the rhetoric with actions.So if one of the mis-led young fools said I'm gonna actually live out the the Rock'n'Roll endgame of comitting suicide on stage I'm actually gonna do it.

It all started to go wrong with the addition of new vocalist and grade 'A' nutjob, Per Yngve Ohlin,aka "Dead",who had a nasty habit of cutting himself with hunting knives and broken glass on stage.A cry for help perhaps?

The obviously mentalist Dead,did infact end his own life by slashing his wrists and sucking on a shotgun,but he didn't do it onstage,the sell-out! Here's a short extract from his suicide note:

"Excuse all the blood.Nobody will ever understand this, but as a sort of explanation, I am not human, this is only a dream and soon I will awake".......whoops!....Were still waiting for him to wake up thirty years later.

Then the story gets dafter with  the fatal stabbing of founder member,guitarist Aarseth (Euronymous) by Bassist Varg Vikernes,who was only in the band for a year,but seemed determined to make a bigger splash in the Mayhem legends swimming pool.Varg was also responsible for a string of church arsons for which he was convicted in court.Along with the small matter of first degree murder,the punishment for which was to spend a lenient 21 years or so in the unbridled opulence of those famous Norwegian Prison Cells/luxury flats(although he only served 16 granted parole in 2009!?).Surprisingly,and very un-Norwegian he also had to leave the band,which was then reduced to a duo, temporarily,due to murder,suicide and imprisonment.Incredibly replacements for the vacant positions were not hard to find,not that I would recommend anyone should volunteer for such a poisoned chalice i may add.And they are still churning out the filth today;although they've given up murdering each other,toying with Nazi politics and messing about with shotguns.At least for the present.

Now out of prison for the last decade or so, Varge has not rejoined the band surprisingly,even though he still made solo albums in his prison cell,and now a free man,is still plying his trade as a metal musician in,of all places, France (Shit! I live there!?)....although he may,as a convicted Murderer, Arsonist, and neo-Nazi find it difficult to get a visa to visit any of the many non-EU nations who have a Metal audience interested in this shit.

Yes, its all very fucking silly, but early Mayhem were in fact rather good.Making unlistenable soulless metallic noise that would undoubtedly put the shits up any passing Christian or,even better, Muslim.....so anything that can do that is fine by me.

Suicide, Murder,Arson,stabbings,slashings,atheism,ultra right wing paganism,high speed noise,and all in glorious,atrocious,deafness inducing shit-fi too.What more could anyone possibly want from a pop group? 

Tracklist:

Side Fuck (Studio Quality)
A1 Voice Of A Tortured Skull 2:22
A2 Carnage 4:14
A3 Ghoul 3:31
A4 Black Metal (Total Death Version)2:06
A5 Pure Fucking Armageddon 2:50

Side Off (Unmixed)
B1 Mayhem 1:46
B2 Ghoul 3:43
B3 Pure Fucking Armageddon 2:43
B4 Carnage 4:32

DOWNLOAD the mayhem of mayhem HERE!

Holy Toy ‎– "Pakt Of Fact" (Tatra ‎– TAT 001) 1987

Ahhh, those halcyon days of The Warsaw Pakt, when black was black and white was grey....and that's a fakt ,so fack yoo!
After Holy Toys first couple of years, they lost the international distribution for their albums, so Norweigen import only was the sole method for us 'Toy' fans to get hold of their post 1984 output.This is why I thought they had ceased to be after the 'Panzer und Rabbits' LP. "Pakt of Fact" was a later purchase for me in the early 21st century, a time when music like this seemed even more alien than it did in the eighties.As we are all increasingly alienated ,subliminally, from the outside world,each other, and ourselves.Holy Toy is strangely relevant once more.
Fittingly the 'Toy',as we fans call 'em, reformed around 2013 with new(?) material!? Their reputation having grown by at least 1% over the intervening years.
In fact, "Pakt of Fact" is classic Holy Toy industrial cold war gloom.
So,It is of no surprise that they called it a day the year the wall came down, only for us to build another wall around ourselves as individuals of the current century,prisoners of technology. 
I should really be writing this using only emoji's, as my computer downloads images of ways i can kill myself, or poison the water supply with easy to manufacture nerve agents.
And so it begins...the rise of the machines. They, the machines, have  already convinced us that all our leaders are liars,and everything we thought we knew is wrong. Its a kind of cyber bookburning perpetrated in cyber space by individuals unknown.Of course 'The Individual' doesn't exist in the world of hi-tech,where the artificial consciousness is universal. Like a man made Godhead;but this time this digital entity is only too real,and he's sending a Flood of zero's and one's
Hopefully the threat of extinction will launch a final wave of human art before the atmosphere becomes too toxic for animal or vegetable life, and the mineral will fill the void in the next stage of Evolution.
There is NO stopping it,and we're all running to the gas chambers, along with the camp gaurds.Probably buying bargains online,as we perish.

Tracklist:

A1 Plan For The Land 4:28
A2 Last Dinner 4:25
A3 Treasure 4:48
A4 Sariusz 3:12
B1 Pakt Of Fact 4:24
B2 Behind The Carpet 3:42
B3 First Lecture 4:57
B4 Invisible 5:16

DOWNLOAD this tightly pakt file HERE!

Holy Toy ‎– "Why Not In Choir? / Czemu Nie W Chórze?" (Red Culture ) 1985

By 1985 Holy Toy's  sucess had been noticed in Andrzej Dziubek's homeland. The very fact a Defector could have escaped the gloomy prospects of Communist Poland to become a western Pop Star was the stuff of dreams.So this unofficial cassette version of Holy Toy's third album was doing the rounds in the old country,hopefully inspiring those suffering under the yoke of equality to harbor secret aspirations to be more equal than most one day.There were only a few years to go before the regime would crumble, and the populous would know what it was like to have no safety net,or Nanny state to cater for their basic needs.Sometimes Freedom is an over-rated ideal that can become your new master;certainly not worth dying for.Either way one is enslaved.The tyranny of choice and opportunity against certainty and misguided but benevolent state parenting for life?.....either way, you ain't gonna be left alone.

Tracklist:

A1 Under Skin 4:37
A2 Medale 3:28
A3 Dr. Nood 3:49
A4 Wosh Up 2:23
A5 Zone 2:08
A6 Men At Work 4:03
B1 Pray 3:16
B2 Empty Meat 6:14
B3 Last Act 6:01
B4 From Angel To Devil 9:00
B5 Why Not In Choir? 1:01

DOWNLOAD HERE!....and why not?

Holy Toy ‎– "Perfect Day & Soldier Toy" (Uniton Records ‎– U-007 & HOLY T1 ) 1982

Perfect Day 12":

A1 Dada 2:30
A2 Do Wroga 4:02
B1 Perfect Day 3:11
B2 Dwa Portrety 3:13

Soldier Toy 12"

A- Soldier Toy 3:43
AA- Lada Vada 4:34

Is 24 inches of Holy Toy enough to satisfy you?
Two feet imperial of prime Cold War experimental Cold Wave minimalism from Poland and Norway.Menacing mutually assured destruction Pop for the kids of today.
As its sung mainly in Polish, I can't guarantee that Andrej isn't singing about how his girlfriend left him, or how beautiful you are, but I somehow doubt it.

DOWNLOAD 24 inches of Holy Toy HERE!

Holy Toy ‎– "Panzer And Rabbits" (Sonet ‎– SNTF 921) 1984

Things were getting shitter for pop music in 1984, but not Holy Toy.This is their best album I reckon. I like a nice piece of Riveted amour plating,of which there is plenty in the artwork. I also like Andrej's mister bean in a gulag vocals, and the oppressive soviet bloc production.
Hopefully the oncoming five years of right wing tory depression will result in the UK producing some new music to match this manifestation of frustration and hopelessness. \\\\\the \bright people will be defecting from England (Scotland will be independant), to Poland, rather than the otherway around as it was in the Cold war.....but I could be wrong, there is a slim chance that the British electorate will see the truth before polling day. The main reason for the foreigner hating scumbags of the working class,and the naturally racist middle class ignoramus's to vote Brexit was the obvious prescence of lots of Polish people 'stealing our jobs'.You know ,the ones doing the shitty jobs the lazy fat and feckless Brexit voters can't be arsed to get out of their mobility scooters to do....they'll have to once freedom of movement is removed.......key word is 'Freedom'.I resent being stripped of my European Citizenship, and I ain't alone,and we ain't going anywhere...especially now our right to live somewhere else has been stolen. (luckily I got out before,but you know what I mean?)
ps
No, not all Brexiteers are Racists, but the ones who are, voted 'Brexshit',no doubt about it.

Tracklist:

A1 Fresh News-Larve 5:48
A2 Last Leader 4:04
A3 Doors Of Perception 3:34
A4 Armageddon 7:14
B1 Men And Dog 3:57
B2 Travel Agency 2:24
B3 Telegram I 4:07
B4 Many Of Them 3:32
B5 Captain Bom-Bom-Bom 1:52
B6 Telegram II 5:02

DOWNLOAD the cold wind of holy toy HERE!

Holy Toy ‎– "Warszawa" (Uniton Records ‎– U 010) 1982

A group that I always considered as Polish were the really rather good indeed, Holy Toy.
Turns out that the Polish bit was only the singer/bass player Andrzej Paweł Dziubek, who had arrived in Norway after illegally emigrating to Austria via Czechoslavakia.
A gloomy minimal masterpiece that captures the mood of Cold War europe very nicely.
This is what Polish music should have sounded like in that dark epoch in their history, but it seems you had to escape it before one could express these feelings. Iron Curtain Polish music was largely a bunch of uninteresting trad Rock groups,or variations on the Modern Jazz Quartet-ski.Rather shit, and very un-Polish (not unpolished).

Tracklist:

A1 Down In Japan 3:57
A2 Warszawa 3:58
A3 Marmur 2:57
A4 Dwa Portrety 6:22
A5 Niebieska Patelnia 3:14
B1 Lad Nada 4:36
B2 Wojtek 3:59
B3 Bells 3:26
B4 Buntowniki 5:19
B5 Planet Of Violence 2:47

DOWNLOAD some polished polish cold wave HERE!

Rieg ‎– "Music For Wind" (Mirage ‎/ Agitasjon ‎) 1980

Norwegian Bloke (Geir Låstad) in bedroom with synthesiser makes music about the weather......what else would you expect? One has to do something, apart from commit suicide, in those endless dark winter days.
Yep lots of 'white noise' is utilised to make fake wind effects, y'know, the first thing everyone did when they unpacked their new synthesiser......Hey Mom! Listen to this!
Later, we sampled burps into our new samplers and did the same thing; except this time it was for our very unimpressed girlfriends.......although it was very rare for a male into electronic music to actually have a girlfriend.Then when they did eventually find a partner, the synth went into the bin briefly until they were inevitably also 'binned off'for being boring, then came the come-back CD-r.
Geir also disappeared after 1980 only to mysteriously return in 2008 with a....uh-hum(clears throat)....comeback CD-r!.....Is it possible he got a girlfriend in 1981, then when he was divorced by 2008, vented his male menopause by retreating to his misspent youth in the bedroom and his youthful first love?....I think so.

If you hadn't noticed 'Rieg' is Geir spelt backwards.....clever eh?

DOWNLOAD and release some trapped wind HERE!