Frank Sidebottom – "13:9:88" (In Tape – IT SIXTY) 1988

 

There ain't many demented children's entertainers who do cover versions of The Fall and Captain Beefheart,in fact you can count them on one extended middle finger.

Of course Frank Sidebottom is that entertainer;just one in a lengthy line of 'hip' northern English and Scottish muscians (He's Chris Sievey of the Freshies to repeat myself) who also moonlighted more successfully as comedians.

The art of marrying comedic song and dance with music is largely not to be recommended, but up north one has to have a sense of humour,especially if you live in somewhere like Rochdale in the 1980's. Even Mark E. Smith could have easily been a comedian;i had visions of him becoming the new Les Dawson later in life,but unfortunately he never made it too far past 60.

And of course let's not forget this is where Mrs Merton, aka Mrs Peter Hook of Joy Division (Caroline Aherne) got her big break.Going on to do the Award Winning "Mrs Merton Show",and The Award winning "Royal Family".....before succumbing to the rather less funny reality of cancer.

Nearly all of the above are dead!?

Bloody 'ell, they're dropping like bloody fly's!?

Tracklist:

A1 On The Train
A2 Blackpool Fool
A3 Tickets Please
A4 To The Beach
A5 Hit The North
A6 Hit The Arcades
A7 Hit Dick Turpin
A8 Frank Checks Into Auntie Edie's
A9 Mrs. Taylor
A10 Room With A View?
A11 Phone Conversation
A12 Off To The Funfair
A13 Mirror Man/Mirror Puppet
A14 Gimme Dat Harp, Little Frank
A15 Frank Hires A Boat
B1 Frank's Luxury Bachelor Penthouse Pad
B2 Debbie Greenwood
B3 Mrs. Merton
B4 Late Night Problems
B5 Me Great Big Floor Scrapbook
B6 Golden Mile
B7 Breakfast At Edie's
B8 Car And Punchline Trouble
B9 Go Away
B10 M.A.T.B.W.M.T.D.B. (Acts 1 & 2)
B11 Back At Edie's
B12 Gipsy Rose Sidebottom
B13 Very Very Big Special Case

DOWNLOAD HERE! you ungrateful bunch of front-bottoms you!

The Freshies – "Rough 'N' Ready" (Razz Records – RAZZ CS4) 1980

They could have been bigger than the Buzzcocks,but ended up not quite as good as second album Vapors.They,at least had "Turning Japanese";whereas the best The Freshies could muster was "Yellow Spot",which wasn't even as good as The Buzzcocks' worst single......"Why She's A Girl From A Chainstore",written by the talentless Steve Diggle.......ironically The Freshies closest shot at the charts references that Diggle double A side,called "I'm In Love With The Girl On The Manchester Virgin Megastore Checkout Desk",which had a novelty value about it I suppose,and at least they got to play it on legendary but crap kids pop show "Get It Together" with the great Roy North (as previously referenced in the Phil Hartley of Bogshed fame post wot i dun last weeek-ish or so).

This cassette was The Freshies going really New Wave,highly competent,well-crafted,rather too clever, power pop non-hits for the lapsed Blondie fan next door.If they had Chris,the singer,writer etc,in character as his alter-ego Frank Sidebottom,they would have definitely been bigger than The Buzzcocks,well at least bigger than The Vapors....maybe bigger than even 'Department-S'?

You may have noticed that I am referring to all this in the Past Tense as both Frank and Chris are dead actually.So we'll never know beyond visiting the Power Pop Astral Plain where everyone gets to be number one for a day.

Tracklist:

A1 Yellow Spot 2:28
A2 Yeah-No, I Know 2:29
A3 Yesterday/Tomorrow 2:23
A4 Oh Girl 2:05
A5 Photograph 2:26
A6 New Edition 2:28
B1 One To One 1:46
B2 House Beautiful 2:43
B3 We're Like You 2:17
B4 My Tapes Gone 2:51
B5 No Money 4:00
B6 If It's News 1:48

DOWNLOAD ready and roughly HERE!

Frank Sidebottom – "5:9:88" (In Tape – ITC 058)

If there's such a thing as someone who isn't a Frank Sidebottom fan out there!?????....incomprehensible I know.....then you've probably had enough of this adenoidal and obviously mentally ill  but cuddly northern English version of John Wayne Gacy. One could compare him to The Residents,but funny. This comparison encapsulates the difference between American and British humour.One is as sophisticated and tiresomely witty,dedicated to either winners or winners on their way up, and the other isn't.

The "isn't" bit refers to sad parent's house dwelling losers who live in a fantasy world like Frank Sidebottom. The nearest american equivalent i can think of would be Rupert Pupkin in Scorsese's "King Of Comedy......notice how something like Frank Sidebottom would only appear in american culture if it was realised by a top director who exists within the american cultural elite; whereas in the Uk,basically everyone's like that.

Actuleh, there's something about Frank that reminds your author of himself...in the third person. I too, have a little Jonny that i can be really nasty to,and an inflated vision of myself that qualify's one to remind the un-cooperative of exactly who I FUCKING AM!

So, here's more Frank, in fact two hours more of Frank, at his very best/worst. Especially Frank's missed vocation as a Game show host in "The Squid Is Correct",introducing Dave the evil head-hunting pygmy who only communicates by Morse Code.

Game shows like this actuleh existed on early eighties British television, primarily in the form of the Darts Quiz called "Bullseye",among others. This was a quiz for the underclass,and menial workers,whose quiz categories included "Spelling", "Books" "Places" and,a subject that Americans are very comfortable with...."Bible"!...why "Bible" wasn't included in the "Books" category i have no idea!? 

David Lynch spends millions of investors dollars to create something only half as surreal as "Bullseye";whereas ITV spent approximately seven pound fifty-nine to achieve the same if not exceed,the level of Surrealist Television,that Luis Bunuel could have only dreamed of.

The winners would invariably be going home to whatever shithole they were imprisoned in, accompanied by either a 'Speedboat' or a caravan as 'Top' prize.

Which is from whence your blog author himself escaped from,without the help of a speedboat i may add.....the worst part being that your fellow inmates wouldn't want you to survive in the outside world,if they couldn't fuck it up for you before you left,and became moist at the thought of the gloating they could administer if such an escapee should return!? 

Driving around those concrete concentration camps the post-war British Government called Council estates,one could identify the ones who had been on Bullseye by the absurd sight of a Speedboat parked in their front garden,next to a pile of old mattresses.....yes they had gardens.Even the Nazi's had a garden included in their charming extermination camps, so there was nothing new there; although i don't think the SS would allow the top prize to be a speedboat, more likely the caravan option, modified to be a mobile gas chamber which was once so very popular during the Party's euthanasia program back in the 1930's.Fun Times huh!? However when this show was cancelled the compare/camp Kommandant would pay the ulimate price of being hung by Albert Pierrepoint from a makeshift gallows in the camp grounds.

The Russians, however,tend to subjugate their under class by conscripting them and sending them to Ukraine to get shot....and the latest news is that vile Putin Puppet Medvedev has suggested the return of capital punishment for anyone not up for a return to the  fun times of the Soviet Union.

This could have all been avoided if Russia had a Cyrillic version of Bullseye.The British may be a bunch of fucked up morons,but sometimes we get some good ideas....just that Bullseye wasn't one of them.

If Frank Sidebottom was the new leader of Russia,or even Great Britain, we'd now all be dead...so count your blessings.

Tracklist:

A1 The Robins Aren't Bobbins
A2 Little Frank Arrives
A3 Me Great Big Zoo Scrapbook
A4 Best Of The Answering Machine (Part 1)
A5 Radio Timperley Intro
A6 The Tomb Of Maurice Karmen
A7 Radio Timperley Outro
A8 New Material
A9 Mr Custard You're A Fool
A10 What's Happens Now?
A11 Frank's World Intro
A12 The Squid Is Correct
A13 Frank's World Outro
A14 Little Frank Leaves
A15 It Was Nearly 20 Years Ago Today
A16 I Said, 'Hey You, Street Artist'
A17 Mrs Merton's Baby
A18 Fantastic Sea Shanty
A19 Star Interview
A20 Patrick Moore
A21 Little Frank Interrupts
A22 Fantastic Flashback Starts
A23 Cape Timperley To Lunar Dustbin
A24 First Puppet On The Moon
A25 Ultimatum To Return
A26 Of Puppets And Pace And Money
A27 2nd Ultimatum To Return
B1 Airplay
B2 Big Frank Blasts Off
B3 TVR-17 Station Output
B4 Little Frank Shows Off
B5 S.O.S.
B6 Big Frank Returns
B7 Fantastic Flashback Ends
B8 Monopoly (The Game)
B9 Mike The Manager
B10 Monopoly (The Song)
B11 Lucky World Cup Willy Coin
B12 Best Of The Answering Machine (Part Two)
B13 What This In The Diary?
B14 Frank's World Intro
B15 Roulette
B16 Frank's World Outro
B17 Football And Weather
B18 Star Interview
B19 Ian McCaskill
B20 Mr E. Lake
B21 Timperley Travelogue
B22 Extra Bit
B23 I Said, 'Hey You, Riot Policeman'
B24 Down At The Moss Lane Football Ground
B25 Five And A Half All Time Great Footballing Chants
B26 Sue Of The Sioux
B27 Roger And Sarah
B28 I've Got Something To Shout About
B29 Mrs Merton
B30 Nicolas Parsons
B31 Fantastic Barber's Shop Song
B32 Not So Fantastic Argument
B33 Electricity

DOWNLOAD as correctly as the squid HERE!

The Freshies – "The Freshies Sing The Girls From Banana Island Who's Stupid Ideas Never Caught On In The Western World As We Know It" (Razz Records – RAZZ CS 3) 1979

The subject of Paul McCartney regularly crops up in the work of Chris Sievy, of The Freshies', papier maché alter-ego Frank Sidebottom.

Which is interesting,as The output of the Freshies could easily be mistaken as Macca goes new wave. Or Paul and Linda's murder victim,Jimmy McCulloch's new updated version of Wings.That would explain the need to wear a papier maché head.Quite a lot of this rubbish exists as a conspiracy theory on the browner side of the internet.After all Paul had form, sporting bare feet on the cover of Abbey Road,signifying that he had clearly faked his death in 1969,and been replaced with a look-a-likey. I don't think anyone in The Freshies looked at all like Jimmy McCulloch or Paul McCartney...but they wouldn't would they?The haircuts were a dead give away however. He obviously had reconstructive surgery,to turn his back on fame, and form a new wave band with Jimmy.The evidently sociopathic Linda got ear of this and arranged McCulloch's inexplicable death;but not before he and Paul had laid down 50 or so Freshies numbers first.

Next up is the proven fact that John Lennon's Brain was abducted by Aliens and now controls the life support systems of a small exo-planet somewhere in the vacinity of Betelgeuse.....which,incidentally, is due to go super-nova at any moment.Ergo,"The Wedding Album" exists,yet doesn't,at the same time....unless,of course, you are looking at it, or even worse, playing it.

Schrödinger's John and Yoko Album; Quantum version.

Tracklist:

A1 Amoco Cadiz 5:36

A2 Children Of The World 2:55
A3 Babies Who Stole My Girl 3:04
A4 Photograph 2:06
A5 GoggleBubbleLand 2:47
A6 Nothing To Come 3:12
A7 Frapper Dehours 2:58
B1 If It's News 1:11
B2 Oh Girl 1:53
B3 Octopus 1:52
B4 The Girls From Banana Island 1:18
Other Different Mix's From The Sessions
B5 If It's News 3:46
B6 Oh Girl 2:18
B7 Octopus 1:52
B8 Children Of The World 2:48
B9 Amoco Cadiz 6:01

DOWNLOAD fresh off the bananas boat HERE!

Frank Sidebottom – "Radio Timperley C-60 Volume 1" (11:37 – ets18) 1990

Apart from the obvious delights of two episodes of Frank's Radio Timperley show on radio Piccadilly,the real treat is the short extract from Frank's appearance at the 1989 Reading festival ,in front of a crowd of 4800 drunken revelers squeezed into the 2000 capacity Mean Fiddler tent.

The roar of the crowd for Frank's appearance must have been the loudest of the whole festival,and the call and response crowd participation  version of "Guess Who's Been On Match Of The Day".....to which the crowd replied "Yoooou Have, In Yer Big Shorts".,was beyond impressive....almost as ear-bleedingly loud as the Kop at Altrincham FC in full voice (singular).

The response was such as to suggest that Mrs Sidebottom's only son would have been a far superior headline act than The fucking Mission??...wot??...or the bloody Pogues,and especially New sodding Order!..who were the official top acts at Reading 1989.

Quite refreshing to see a lack of Rap acts in the line up,with a sprinkling of  what I would concede to be half decent acts lower down the pecking order.

And I thought the Reading Festival was something to do with books?

In this particular cul de sac of France, my local festival is a Poetry Festival,where I witnessed,and I kid you not, a French lady interpreting the Poetry via the medium of dance.Almost as bad and pretentious as the Michael Clarke Dancers interpreting the music of The Fall. That was my lowest ebb as a Fall appreciator,especially after there was an American and MES's missus (same person incidentally) in the group;..then MES started wearing trendy suits !?.....on top of that,but worse, becoming part of the South Bank Glitterati.No wonder Smith upped the alcohol intake.

Frank Sidebottom could never be pretentious if he tried......now as for Little Frank, I can't guarantee that he wouldn't be tempted.

Never trust a Short-Arse,even one made out of cardboard.

Tracklist:

A1 Mr Gallagher's Zoo 28:35
B1 Frank's Removal Company 25:42
B2 Live At Reading 2:53

DOWNLOAD direct from planet timperley HERE!

The Freshies – "All Sleeps Secrets" (Razz Records – RAZZ CS1) 1978

Of course you do know that the singer songwriter lead guitarist and general busy body of this group, Chris Sievey, was also Frank Sidebottom.....or wazzit that Frank Sidebottom was also Chris Sievey? I dunno,i'm confused,mentally bruised, and live the life the way i choose.

Not too great a fan of The Freshies' flimsy new wave cycledelia with unhealthy pretensions towards chart action,one has to say;but it's inoffensive,and has its fair share of G.S.O.H,...gosh. Like fellow Manchester band, 10CC, too clever by half,but largely lacking tunes. Of course, 10CC had a handful of good,maybe,great songs,and so did The Freshies,though i'd be struggling to tell you which ones....."Yellow Spot" was not bad i think, although sadly not on this self-released cassette,that came out as Chris tried to be even more New Wavey later on.

Chris was never shy at self-promotion,being a veteran of a musical sit in at Apple Corps offices in '69.But none of the Beatles were in, and nobody said "Hey that's a great song maan I wanna sign you up".

This didn't discourage the young Sidebottom,and he/they proceeded to release stuff by his group on his own cassette label,in 1974, at the height of 10CC's fame incidentally ,and long before most UK DIYers were doing the same thing. Chris shows his age when the Psych-pop of his formative years becomes mixed with some very fashionable,for 1978, three minute new wave symphonies.

This guy should have been on the Telly.

Tracklist:

A1 Slip 3:13
A2 Baiser 2:35
A3 Two Of The Same Girl 1:53
A4 Ballrooms And Moon 2:55
A5 No. 1 Fear 5:03
A6 Bogey man 4:34
B1 Into The Wind 3:31
B2 Over The Sun 5:22
B3 18 Down To 24 fps 1:33
B4 David The Shepherd 2:25
B5 Big Top/I'm Falling 2:38
B6 Lovely Bars 8:27

DOWNLOAD the sleeping secrets of chris sievey HERE!

Frank Sidebottom – "Fantastic Tales" (11:37 – ets 7) 1987

The sparkling and magnificent sub-celestial abode that some would let it be known to all and sundry as being called thee planet earth;hasn't always been the stamping ground of official top ten entertainment and egoistic posturing.Around the golden era of rock'n'pop'n'roll, 1977 to 1984,there lurked an unpopular form of  rock'n'pop'n'roll called alternative and independent music.There was even some clever individuals who did all that stuff what top-notch mangers like Peter Grant and musical behemoths such as Richard Branson did, themselves.......clever little smartarses such as they were. One such clever smartarse would be Chris Sievey of the alternative and indie rock'n'pop'n'roll group The Freshies,who did everything himself,released lots of unpopular pop tunes on his own label,and to cap it all, in his spare time was the very very funny alter-ego Frank Sidebottom,who lived with his mum in the charming satellite town of Timperley near Manchester.

There was ,excuse my language, a fucking shit film wot i was swindled into watching called "Frank",which has been described by person's unknown, as a "Black Comedy"?....supposedly inspired by Frank Sidebottom; who,i am told gave his blessing to the project before he died..he'd be spinning in his grave if he saw the finished product...Did I say that Frank and Chris were indeed both dead at the time of writing?....no?...well they are. I heard this nugget of movie propaganda and proceed to watch an illegal download of said talking picture,only to learn that the Frank in the film was nothing to do with the Sidebottoms of Timperley,but was some clueless american in a Frank Sidebottom head moaning about how hard life is,and spouting  too cool for skool nonsense about what makes a cool band and that which is not.There has never been,to my knowledge any rock themed movie ever, unless its taking the piss of course(Spinal Tap),that didn't......(i stoop to americanese again..sorry)...Suck Balls real bad.......maybe "A Hard Days Night",but that was more an Ealing Comedy with Pop Stars in than a rock'n'roll movie?

Rule one never ask an american what makes a punk band, they just do it naturally without thinking about it,unless you're Johnny Ramone. Rule Two, don't break the eleven commandments of Rock.....which the band in this exceedingly crap movie do with ease.....they had a keyboard player for Jehovah's sake!?....there are exceptions for this of course,like Una Baines for example(mk.1 Fall),but generally its an idea that...in Americanese....SUCKS! It really makes one just wanna give up.

Frank,However, had the history and meaning of Rock'n'Roll tattoed on his papier maché head

No this film wasn't about Frank...but there is another one that is....more a documentary than movie,but better...."Being Frank" is the titular conclusion for that one.

So as an introduction to the showbiz genius of Frank Sidebottom,Little Frank, and the late Chris Sievey,we bring you 50 minutes of the surreal madness that was Frank and Little frank,interspersed with some very silly songs,to remind the world what it's missing......acktuleh!

Tracklist:

A1 The Day I Found A Hippopomous 17:50
A2 The Day Little Frank Tried To Tell A Fantastic Tale 6:06
B1 The Day I Won A Million Pounds 13:29
B2 The Day I Was Paul McCartney 11:28

DOWNLOAD this fantastic tape here ACTUALLY!