Loren MazzaCane Connors ‎– "Lullaby" (Carbon Records ‎– CR045) 2001

Someone who evokes a similar atmosphere of isolation and loneliness as Jandek,but without the pain, and has indeed appeared on a couple of Jandek records; is Loren Mazzacane Connors.
He has even out-produced the revered corwood representative, by more than two to one, in terms of album production.
He seems to be motivated only by the need to make music in an endless desire to get something out of himself.Even though he has had Parkinsons syndrome since the late ninties.
This probably helps in creating his unique haunting style.
Undoubtedly Post-Rock before either Post,or Rock.He's one of those 'Guitarists Guitarist', with all and sundry scrambling to do a collaboration.....and yes, Thurston fucking Moore has done at least one with him!
These collaborations usually sound like someone else playing over the top of what Loren Mazzacane normally plays,like two records playing at once...sometimes it works, mostly it doesn't.So my recommendation is to stick to the ,very,solo works,like this one.
The title of this ethereally melancholic collection of guitar lullabies, gives it away.A very pleasant and relaxing way to fall asleep.....forever, if necessary.

DOWNLOAD to fall asleep,but in a good way HERE!

Various ‎Artists – "The Corwood Variations - A Jandek Tribute Companion" (Summersteps Handmade ‎– SUM HM 001) 2006

As every fucker and his granny has a 64 track digital recording facility in their bedrooms nowadays;and everyone likes or pretends to have bought "Ready For The House" before everyone elses granny did. It was inevitable that there were going to be far too many volunteers to be included on the two Jandek Tribute albums released in the early noughties.(get 'em Here! and Here!)
This CD is the chaff sorted from the other chaff separated from the few grains of wheat what made up the A-list on the two previous compilations.
The fact that someone called 'McCartney' appears on here should not go unoticed.Apart from that, there's no-one famous enough to be an obscure cult on here.
I promise....NO MORE JANDEK.....well at least until I get the latest few releases.

Tracklist:

1 –Cookie Pusher - How Many Places 3:28
2 –The Indicators - Cellar 2:29
3 –Jabon - Simple As That 2:18
4 –McCartney, Moulder & Nyoukis - Lavender 3:32
5 –Accubat - European Jewel (Incomplete) 2:37
6 –The Short Wave Mystery - Ghost Town By The Sea 2:36
7 –Sugar Bear - Spirit 1:58
8 –Static Films - Show Me The Way O' Lord 3:11
9 –Jack Walton - A Letter 2:33
10 –Monster Island - Naked In The Afternoon 2:51
11 –Tiltmaster - God Came Between Us 3:24
12 –Ape In A Tank - Go To Bed 3:19
13 –Burning Star Core - Hey 2:48
14 –Martin Way - Sense Of Reason 2:18
15 –Pengo - Hey Mister Can You Tell Me 3:59
16 –A Warm Palindrome - I Passed By The Building 2:00
17 –A Distant Chorus Of Handclaps - I Went To Hell 2:47
18 –Deluxx - Painted My Teeth 2:40
19 –LMP - The Beginning 5:15
20 –Mile 97 - Om 3:49
21 –Quaker Dynamo - Eziekiel 2:23
22 –Kemialliset Ystavat - Untitled 2:18
23 –The Golden Calves - Janitor's Dead 3:03
24 –Sinister Dexter - A Real Fine Movement 2:32
25 –Dirty Projectors - The River 2:13

DOWNLOAD? I sure would, HERE!

Jandek - "Austin Tuesday" ( Corwood Industries ‎– CORWOOD 0823) 2017

The last post of Jandek Super Monday,and the last Jandek post until i get the latest four CD's.
Dysfunctional beat poetry backed by a primary school chamber quartet sounds like my kinda gig.
Shelia and Sterling Smith share the poetry duties affront scraping violinage,wandering clarinet,harpo marx style plucking,and the odd thud or two on the big bass drum.
Recorded at the Austin Library on the 16th of Feb,2016.

Tracklist:

1 Old Tin Roof 7:33
2 The Doves 5:40
3 The Sparkle 6:37
4 Ultimate Bet 5:18
5 When I Thought 6:45
6 Happy Girl 3:39
7 The Fence 4:53
8 Human Time 2:32
9 The Top 5:24
10 Strangely Serene 2:54
11 The Trembling 4:19
12 Touching My Bed 5:32
13 The Man With The Hat 4:03
DOWNLOAD so everyday is tuesday in austin HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Hamman Hall" (Corwood Industries ‎– CORWOOD 0827) 2018

The soundtrack to 'Paris Texas' as reimagined by a patient in a secure mental facility on heavy anti-psychotics.Who, amongst his many splintered personalities,thought of himself as a version of Ry Cooder who had never left the Magic Band,on a valium and mogadon cocktail.
Reminds one of Loren Mazzacane Connors work,who I think must have had an influence on Jandek after his couple of guest appearences on "Glasgow Sunday 2005" and "Manhatten Tuesday". As absurd as it is to suggest that Jandek has any influences at all.It may be just a happy coincidence.
If you needed backing music to crawling through an post-armageddon radioactive American desert....no not Donald Trump country....an actual Desert; then this is it.The only time the use of a pedal steel guitar is,or has been, acceptable.

Tracklist:

1-1 Colorado Sky 13:25
1-2 Louisiana 10:12
1-3 The Shatter 7:42
1-4 Hey There, Beautiful 7:42
1-5 Orchid Eater 6:22
1-6 Albuquerque 10:45
2-1 When I Was 7:40
2-2 Since Sunday 11:15
2-3 Some Giving 7:31
2-4 That Was Life 7:29
2-5 The Painting 7:59

2-6 Back To Phoenix 7:57
2-7 From There 11:49

DOWNLOAD some cunt-ry music HERE!

Jandek ‎– "The Ruins Of Adventure" (Corwood Industries ‎– Corwood 0787) 2006

Adventure is an over-rated commodity. Adrenaline Junkies being one primary example of human stupidity gone ballistic. Scraping the remains of an idiot free runner off the pavement around a bollard covered in human meat, is ,I guess one definition of 'the Ruins Of Adventure'.Another being a 'Normal' downloading and listening to this album in the company of his or her immeadiate family.There is a chance they would never speak to him, or her, ever again.A dream come true for many people,and for those who require this conclusion, this is the album for you.
This one is part of Jandeks detuned Bass series, and also contains some of the Rep's finest stretched out whining.

Tracklist:

1 The Park 10:08
2 Bluff Brink 8:10
3 Completely Yours 7:10
4 Mysteries Of Existence 6:42
5 The Ruins Of Adventure 14:28

DOWNLOAD to rebuild the ruins of your own adventure HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Maze Of The Phantom" (Corwood Industries ‎– Corwood 0808) 2012

Just when y'all thought it was the end,myself included, i've discovered that one has shamelessly omited a few albums from the long Jandek inventory.
This attempt at some neo-classical modern composition with a gloomy cover, and a female singer doing an impression of Les Baxters "The Passions", being one glaring omission!
Play this one to your intellectual friends,and pretend its an Estonian composer that they all should know the name of.Then sit back and enjoy their struggle to maintain their intellectual superiority.Its up to you if you tell them its Jandek or not.
It could easily also pass for one of Scott Walkers film soundtracks,which would be an acceptable answer also.
Predictably ,a far superior work to any of Sir Paul MaCartneys childlike silly symphonies by a country mile.

Tracklist:

Disc One
1-1 Part One 18:08
1-2 Part Two 14:48
1-3 Part Three 13:23
1-4 Part Four 13:59
Disc Two
2-1 Part Five 10:32
2-2 Part Six 15:49
2-3 Rehearsal One 7:07
2-4 Rehearsal Two 16:53

DOWNLOAD the amazing phantom that is jandek HERE!

Various Artists ‎– "Down In A Mirror : A Second Tribute To Jandek" (Summersteps Records ‎– SUM0020) 2005

This is the last Jandek Monday,until we receive more New Jandek albums later this year.It being Easter,when J.C. (Jandek of Corwood) returns to his tomb after wandering the earth for 40 years. A fitting place to end our looooong journey into the inner space of Jandeks complete Discography
There are not many artists who receive the honor of being the subject of two 'Tribute' compilations, but ,somehow, Jandek has this dubious entry looming large on his CV. Also I noticed that I have infact posted "Glasgow Sunday 2005" twice, with different reviews attached!!!?...no-one else has that equally dubious honor on this blog either!You lucky Jandek you!
This follow-up compilation collects more obscure four four time versions of our hero's time signature-less ditties set forth to tickle your ear lobes.
Yes there's the normal smear of unheard of Indie bands from Oaklahoma,and the odd geezer we've heard of, like Six Organs Of Admittance, and at least one decent take on the Corwood Rep's reportoire......that being someone (Eric of Sebadoh)was brave enough to put music to one of Jandeks spoken word pieces from the beyond great "Worthless Recluse" album.
Of the two Jandek Tributes, i'd say this one is marginally the better of the two......but its better to stick to listening to the man himself in my humble opinion......but not too much as this stuff should carry a government health warning.

DOWNLOAD and take a long look in the mirror HERE!

Various Artists ‎– "Naked In The Afternoon : A Tribute To Jandek" (Summersteps Records ‎– SUM0010) 2000

You've heard everything Jandek has commited to tape,so now we have the 'Tribute'!?
As is par for the course with these, usually, truly awful arrays of third division Indie bands, this has a few listenable tracks....ie once, and a slew of stuff that totally misses the point of the person,or persons, who are being lionised.
For most of these acts, this was about who will win the fight to cover 'Nancy Sings', which is probably thee only actual song that Jandek has ever 'written'.....and that was patently accidental.
This was inexplicably won by some ernest young men with facial hair called Ivory Elephant?.....Who?
It would have been a far better idea to appeal to genuine misfits/outsiders who have never heard,or heard of Jandek to give their impressions of what the Corwood Representative is all about, because this rainbow of 'Normals' haven't got a clue. It takes years of isolation to understand what Jandek's music is really about.
I should imagine various Jandek albums are essential additions to the Hipsters record bag, ready to whip out at the fair trade coffee shop. Beard, Check, Short back and sides, check, copy of 'Blue Corpse', double check!
There's something unsavoury about rock stars wearing Daniel Johnston T-shirts or dropping hints about how R. Stevie Moore influenced their hit.Then, of course, Jandek will be mentioned as a pointer to how weird they are(n't).Then they make music to be liked by, as if they have never listened to any of these artists at all......Fuck I just noticed Thurston Moore guests on track 2*!.....is there any 'left-field' album he doesn't guest on post Sonic Youth/Marrige breakdown? There's also the obligatory downtown NYC underground artist,in this case Amy Denio, seeing the 'Art' in Jandek.
Its not unlike Nigel Tufnel in Spinal Tap saying how Mozart really influenced his composition called "Suck My Love Pump".
Also,I notice that they managed to get 'Low' to do a track,I've heard of them.Once thought they were pretty good until i watched a documentary about them, and found out that they were exceedingly Normal,Nice, and completely fucking boring as people.......maybe this was the intention, but it put me off......I'm as fickle as fuck, and proud of it.

Tracklist:

1 –Peter Weiss And Brian Charles - Quinn Boys II 4:33
2 –Dapper - Painted My Teeth 4:15*
3 –The Couple Scene - Babe I Love You 2:24
4 –Retsin - New Town 6:06
5 –Cassie Rose And The Pickled Punks - Spanish In Me 2:02
6 –The Choppers - Twenty Four 2:49
7 –Low - Carnival Queen 5:10
8 –Ho Chen Keit - Harmonica 4:49
9 –Kid Icarus - She Fell Down 3:40
10 –The Early Morning Initials - Remain The Same 1:04
11 –Gary Young - Take It Easy 2:52
12 –Psychatrone Rhonedakk - The I Woke Up Medley 3:49
13 –Ivory Elephant - Nancy Sings 3:24
14 –Las Vegas On Mars - Janitor's Dead 3:47
15 –The Goblins - War Dance 1:22
16 –Amasa - Sailors 2:48
17 –Monster Island - Road To Corwood / Lost Cause 2:39
18 –The Storkettes - Cave In On You 3:29
19 –Pipes You See, Pipes You Don't - Jessica 3:14
20 –Bright Eyes - Have You Ever Heard Of Jandek ? 3:46
21 –Amy Denio - Your Condition 9:25

DOWNLOAD and get naked HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Glasgow Sunday" (Corwood Industries ‎– Corwood 0779) 2005

Now we have come to an end of pre-2019 Jandek albums,fittingly with the beginning.The representatives first known live appearance.
Just when we thought we had Jandek sussed as a reclusive hermit weirdo, who we will never see in public, he appeared, as if by magic, at The Arches, Glasgow, as part of the Instal festival,on October 17th, 2004 .Playing unannounced with backing from Richard Youngs on bass and Alex Neilson on drums, he seemed to go down well with the crowd.
For an unannounced act of questionable commerciality, the audience seemed to appreciate the racket rather too much to believe he was completely unexpected.Maybe they felt obliged to scream and howl,or someone held up cue cards, I dunno.
There's two new CD's for 2019 so far,including a studio one called "The Ray";but you'll have to wait for them....give 'em a chance to not sell out first eh?

Tracklist:

1 Not Even Water 10:24
2 Where I Stay 7:29
3 Darkness You Give 9:37
4 Sea Of Red 7:50
5 Real Wild 6:25
6 Don't Want To Be 5:55
7 Blue Blue World 6:42
8 The Other Side 6:48

DOWNLOAD jandeks out coming HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Austin Sunday" (Corwood Industries ‎– Corwood 0786) 2006

Recorded at the Scottish Rite Theatre. Austin, Texas. August 29, 2005.This one has a more of a bootleg feel and sound to it than subsequent performance recordings.
Its very electric era Jandek, with suitably freeform drumming and directionless basswork.
That's it.

Tracklist:

1-1 Throw Me Away 9:13
1-2 Ugly Man 7:12
1-3 Lithe Body 9:25
1-4 The Police 7:21
1-5 Run Away 5:32
1-6 If I Wanted 5:45
2-1 Wine You Devil 8:50
2-2 You Hold Me Up 5:37
2-3 You Just About Killed Me 6:53
2-4 Little While 5:36
2-5 Lonely Dog 6:51
2-6 Let Me Try Again 12:54

DOWNLOAD what you shouldn't be doing on a texan sabbath HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Newcastle Sunday" (Corwood Industries ‎– Corwood 0783) 2006

Live at the Sage, Gateshead,in north east England, May 22nd 2005. Finds Jandek in the land of scantily clad women going clubbing on a freezing january night;their male counterparts in only a t-shirt and moustache.Simple folk with simple tastes,who think their local Football Club is one of the 'Big Five', when they have never won anything since before world war two.I did once witness Leicester City getting a firm hammering of 7-1 by Newcastle United.The game preceeded by a performance by Lindesfarne......the less said about both those performances the better.....but at least we (Leicester City FC) have since gone on to win the Premier League and the FA Cup....so......HA! (Ed: Don't forget the Charity Shield)!

Of course not all Geordies (residents of Newcastle upon Tyne)are boneheaded hard cases.....I mean Zoviet France come from there, somehow I can't see them as plain t-shirt wearing moustachioed hard men? (although ZF are prime whingers in the free download department;which is why there isn't any ZF on this blog no more...silly boys...but links can be provided if requested)

Luckily for The Representative of Corwood Industries, the more erudite type of Geordie,(Brian Ferry and Sting accentless geordie types), had turned up in Gateshead to applaud our man in the black stetson.
Should have been called 'Gateshead Sunday' really?
Again, the lovable carrot top indulges in some tuning ritual before a few of the songs.He seems to have got it right however, as this sounds like classic Jandek from the electric albums,but with classier backing, and a couple of effects pedals.

Tracklist:

1-1 Depression 8:11
1-2 Other End Of Town 5:26
1-3 Every Morning 6:59
1-4 All Of A Sudden 6:57
1-5 Locked Up 4:33
1-6 Put It Up 6:08
1-7 Mangled And Dead 6:11
2-1 Some Other Name 6:20
2-2 Telephone Blues 7:08
2-3 Cottage In The Rain 6:35
2-4 Sheba Doesn't Have 8:48
2-5 Shadow Of The Clouds 11:17

DOWNLOAD jandek in geordieland HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Glasgow Monday" (Corwood Industries ‎– Corwood 0785) 2006

Like a piano player in a deserted bar at 4am,Jandek helps you stare into your half-empty whiskey glass, and decide to end it all.The most pleasant method is apparently inhaling an inert gas, such as Argon,or Nitrogen.A feeling of euphoria accompanies ones dying moments,and seeing the faces of dead relatives is allegedly a distinct possibilty. The least pleasant method is doing it whilest listening to a Jandek record.His primary purpose is to reveal the bitter-sweet charade of existence in its naked form via the medium of music.He seems to be in touch with the long forgotten ancient art of understanding our brief tenure in this permanent 'now'. Resurrecting a long dead paganism (represented by the picture of the Dolmen on the cover?),which at least identified our real gods, the sun and the stars.

Basically you're a ghost driving a meat-coated skeleton made from stardust....what do you have to be scared of?

The nine parts of 'The Cell' ,a metaphor for the human body I assume,was recorded live at the Centre for Contemporary Arts, Glasgow,on May the 23rd, 2005.And marks the first release of Jandek on Piano,backed by some understated contrabass,and percussion.Our Corwood Representative, mumbles a slew of existential ramblings above his largely tuneful ivory tinkling.

Don't play this while relaxing in your flotation tank, or you just might drown yourself.

You have been warned.

Tracklist:

The Cell
1-1 Prelude 5:12
1-2 Part One 10:26
1-3 Part Two 8:25
1-4 Part Three 11:04
1-5 Part Four 9:15
2-1 Part Five 7:40
2-2 Part Six 6:21
2-3 Part Seven 7:51
2-4 Part Eight 6:29
2-5 Part Nine 12:10

DOWNLOAD the liberace of misery HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Brooklyn Wednesday" (Corwood Industries ‎– CORWOOD 0789) 2007

Boy, this is a long one! Four CD's of the representative sounding like his records, very early in his live career at the Issue Project Room, Brooklyn, NYC, September 7, 2005.

It could drive yer average guy on the street into an inexpicable rage, or make a grown feminist cry.This is the epitome of 'Wrong'......four CD's of 'wrong'.

This isn't the music you wanna be playing before you kick the stool away,because, as you dangle there, slowly asphyxiating, you really don't wanna hear Jandeks bleak world view echoing in that tunnel of white light as your Brain goes into anoxia mode, preparing the 'off' switch.

Maybe some Abba, or Classix Nouveaux....something to make you glad you're dying,rather than be in more emotional pain as you head for the last round-up.

Jandek's non-music is, I suppose, a kind of living death.Many allegedly 'great' artists have tried, and failed, to create such a feeling; but Sterling Smith from Houston,has the ability to do it effortlessly.....and, more importantly, without explaining himself, or 'it'.

Tracklist:

Set One
1-1 Put Me There 11:21
1-2 Destroy The Day 10:43
1-3 Obscure Physics 8:26
1-4 Structure Of Words 9:02
2-1 All I Want 5:11
2-2 Lonely World 8:32
2-3 Change My Brain 9:51
2-4 I'll Send A Thought Out Floating 5:09
2-5 I Love You 10:51

Set Two
3-1 How ’R You 13:31
3-2 City Pounding Down 12:12
3-3 Different Blues 9:21
3-4 My Necessity 8:21
4-1 Sea Of People 7:59
4-2 Sorry, Sorry 9:13
4-3 Tequila Girl 10:54
4-4 Just Enough 10:15

DOWNLOAD the last trees in brooklyn HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Manhattan Tuesday" (Corwood Industries ‎– CORWOOD 0788) 2007

Well, there's only six or so Jandek albums left to post, so fuck Jandek Monday, this is gonna be Jandek week. The day that Notre Dame in Paris lies smoldering, it seems fitting to mourn this classic of Gothic architecture with some classic Gothic outsider misery.
Lets face it, it was just a building, no-one died, but we're still gonna spend billions restoring it, with enough money to end child poverty in africa, or pay for enough subsidised solar panelling to make a large dent on greenhouse emissions.Normally frugal Billionaires have prized open their wallets to donate 100's of millions of Euro's, but remain unmoved when confronted by starving african kids, or even when made aware of the plight of my own personal pet project, Saving The Pangolin!(click here to donate a fiver).
Meanwhile,Grenfell Tower, a purposely sub-standard highrise block inconveniently housing ordinary people(scum) in an expensive part of London,which burned to the ground, with huge loss of life, is as nothing in real terms in comparison with that smoldering national symbol.The needle on the moral compass is spinning wildly,like the wheel of fortune,landing on 'Lose a Turn'for the poor, and 'Bankrupt' for Africa.
When Coventry Cathedral got destroyed by the Luftwaffe, they didn't rebuild it, they built a cost effective,and rather stylish, replacement, leaving the ruins next to it for posterity.They didn't do such a great job with the rest of Coventry sadly. Same thing happened to St Pauls in the 18th century. So should this be for Notre Dame. Nothing lasts forever, its time to move on. There's too much emphasis on 'Things' and not enough on people and suffering
This is why I wanna move on from Jandek Monday, and leave the ruins of Jandeks splintering personality on display, in full, here, for posterity. Alongside the majestic charred edifices of Our Lady in Paris, with this smoking appearence from our Corwood representative in New York.
This performance in Manhattan, at the Anthology Film Archives on sept 6th 2005, is enhanced by the inspiring fret work of Loren Mazzacane Connors on guitar, leaving the groaning and synth work to the Representative.
I know i say this a lot, but i think this is my favourite modern Jandek album;but then again maybe the best Jandek record is the last one you listened to? 

Tracklist:

Afternoon Of Insensitivity:
1-1 Part One 13:04
1-2 Part Two 20:44
1-3 Part Three 9:56
2-1 Part Four 11:24
2-2 Part Five 12:39
2-3 Part Six 7:06
2-4 Part Seven 18:25

DOWNLOAD with sensitivity in the afternoon HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Glasgow Friday" (Corwood Industries ‎– CORWOOD 0791) 2008

It's Jandek Monday at Brigadoon,as featured on the cover.Except that the castle pictured is Dunluce Castle in Northern Ireland.

Recorded on the 14th of October 2005 at The Arches in Glasgow. Performing as part of the Instal festival, the same festival and venue at which he had made his unannounced live debut in 2004 ("Glasgow Sunday").

The main feature of this performance is how Jandek appears to be tuning up before every section!? I guess he's just making sure he's not in any standard tuning before the cacophony begins.Tuned to the key of whatever.
Tracklist:

1 Walking Blues 13:08
2 Goodbye Today 6:45
3 This Wasted Life 6:14
4 Slave Of The River 6:08
5 My Plan 10:48
6 If I Could Be With You 6:36
7 Out And About 6:13
8 These Kokomos 9:24
9 Something New 5:41
10 Arms Of A Stranger 6:47

DOWNLOAD jandek in brigadoon HERE!

The Pigs ‎– "1977" (Bristol Archive Records ‎– ARC 090 V) 2010

The Pigs were the little brothers of The Cortinas in the Bristol punk scene in 1977. They were the ones who were due to support the Sex Pistols but the venue burned down the day before.
Like the Cortinas, theirs was avery Pub Rock/Punk hybrid sound.Clean guitars and speed were all that was needed.
They didn't stimulate the metal end of the genre, so quickly faded away after one highly regarded single.

Tracklist:

1 Psychopath
2 Youthanasia
3 Ran Me In
4 National Front
5 They Say
6 Exploitation
7 General Election
8 Nuclear Disarmament
9 Personality Change
10 Give It Ball
11 They Shoot Horses Don’t They

DOWNLOAD the eggs and bacon of punk rock HERE!

Great British Heroes ‎– "Eric Miller" (Lightning Records ‎– GIL 538) 1978

The legendary 'withdrawn' Lightning Records release of GBH's (not the more famous GBH) only single.
They played the Roxy a few times, after they switched from bog standard Hard Rocking group to 'Punk', and featured, briefly, future TV comedian Roland Rivron on drums.Er... Thats about it.
Thanks to the internet we can now all hear this great lost single.
They imploded shortly after this.

DOWNLOAD soomething  grievous and bodily HERE!

The Snifters ‎– "I Like Boys" ( Lightning Records ‎– GIL 534) 1978

Well......er......I'm frightened! This slightly dodgy euro-pop atrocity, enters itself into the "What the Fuck was that" category of pop histroy......not that this anthem for Gay sexual predators was at all popular.....except eith Gay Sexual Predators.
The lightning Records Belgian connection comes well and truly out of the closet here, with this Synth Punk tribute to 'Boys and their Stinky Toys'.....a desperate grasp for some pink punk  pounds from the gaping back pockets in the crotchless leather shorts of the nascent Gay Disco scene.
This horrible tune will leave you open-mouthed and looking for the exit, rather than open-mouthed waiting for one of those 'Stinky Toys' to fill the void.
It's also actually quite funny in a 'Good Bad' kind of way.The heavy flemish accent doesn't help, and the Arnold Schwarzenegger style backing vocals, sound like they're being delivered by a lobotomised hairy backed lummox in a gimp mask, chained up in a particularly damp corner of a secret basement apartment.

"Here Dere ev-rywhere,
I Like Boisss, I Like Boisss,
I Like dere steenki Toissss"

Mummy!!!!!

The sleeve accurately describes the music, with a sovereign ringed hairy hand caressing the rear of a wavy haired manchild, ripe for some abuse.
The rear sleeve, for the B-side, "Baby Punker", is potentially more disturbing. Portraying a baby seemingly gratifying itself in an unforgivable prone receiving postion, through it's diaper!!!?
This could easily have been the Belgian entry for the Eurovision Song Contest in 1978 as far as I know. Its certainly an argument for the UK leaving the European Union.
Whoever made this record is, no doubt, in prison now......or, more likely, Dead!

Tracklist:

A I Like Boys
B Baby Punker

DOWNLOAD some unlikeable boys noise HERE!

Cane ‎– "3 x 3" (Lightning Records ‎– GIL 531) 1978

The main problem with these disappearing outsider punk groups was the instantly forgettable names thay gave themselves.....'Cane'!?...what's that?....'Pain' rather than Cane would have been an improvement,and not signing to Lightning another.
Then Lightning Records decided to release the Watford trio's most non-punk song as the A-side of a three track single, which killed them off for good......not that they would have gone on to anything however;but they did get a track on the 'Streets' compilation,which was one of the first 'Punk' albums I owned.
Inevitably they sank without a trace.

Tracklist:

A Dice
B1 Suburban Guerilla
B2 D. K. Dance

DOWNLOAD the pain of being cane HERE!

Martin And The Brownshirts ‎– "Taxi Driver / Boring" (Lightning Records ‎– GIL 507) 1978

Another bunch of dubious reprobates on the Lightning 'Punk' roster were Martin and his Brownshirts. From the lovely middle class town of Chester,Chestershire, where all the nouveau riche and footballers live nowadays.
Of course with a name like that they quickly attracted a Nazi following, who ruined everyones fun, so they had to change their name.
They did manage this superior outsider punk single about the Scorsese classic 'Taxi Diver'.Wether the Martin in their group name was inspired by the director or not is not known, but the lyrics definitely were inspired by the Travis Bickle mirror scene. Thankfully ,like the other hive-minded Punx, they never copied Travis's hair cut which came to define the stupider kind of Punk that still lives with us today!
This could have been a Hit!

Read Drummer, Willie Williams rather amusing account of the groups lifespan HERE!

DOWNLOAD something brown HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Glasgow Sunday 2005" (Corwood Industries ‎– CORWOOD 0792) 2008

Jandek's set that included a second JFK assasination connection, was recorded live at The Arches, Glasgow, Scotland on October 16, 2005.

He had previously appeared at the Texas theater in Dallas that Oswald was arrested at, in 2016;a review of which(by 'moi') you can get HERE! During which one concluded that Jandek fired the fatal bullet from the 'Grassy Knoll'. So is the reference here a further indication of our Representatives guilt? Is he laughing at us, hiding in plain sight?.....probably not, but we all like a mystery don't we? That's the primary reason we like Jandek.

The spoken account of mass brainwashing, which is the track named after that infamous Knoll, seems to suggest a Sirhan Sirhan style Manchurian Candidate scenario, which involved the Representative 'losing his mind to them', and that '(he) knew that he must GO!?'.

Like Oswald he suggests he was the patsy, who didn't go along with the plan made by that 'God Man' Sterling refers to.

Like any conspiracy nut, one can make any piece fit the jigsaw puzzle,so please face up to the clear Facts that it was Jandek wot dunnit guvner!

The ethereal guitarwork backing up this admission from our favourite beneficiary of CIA identity protection, is provided by the magnificent Loren Mazzacane Conners, whose many albums are the epitome of melancholy.Probably another outsider guitarist on the CIA witness protection program, but far less moany than the Identity given to Jandek.

Things get a bit wilder for the second track, as Alan Licht takes over guitar duty, and Jandek moves to drums.Ending in wild applause from the Glaswegian crowd.

The J(andek)FK Conspiracy starts here!

Tracklisting:

The Grassy Knoll 25:26
Tribal Ether 24:47

DOWNLOAD from the grassy knoll of outsider music HERE!

Too Much ‎– "Who You Wanna Be" & "Kick Me One more Time" 7" Singles (Lightning Records ‎– GIL 513/GIL 552) 1978/1979

Tracklisting:

A Who You Wanna Be
B Another Time Another Place

Tracklisting:

1-Kick Me One More Time
2-Be Mine
3-It's Only For Me

Too much what? Certainly not too much in the department of record releases. In fact, just enough.

For most pop groups two singles should be the maximum output for their careers.....what careers?

Again, not much is known about this youthful act on Lightning Records, but they did do a photoshoot at least, and it reveals they had a prediliction for turned up jacket collars to make them appear cool.A fashion angle popularised by Alvin Stardust,Eric Cantona and John Robb of the Membranes......not to be encouraged.

Fresh out of secondary school by the sound of it, and the look of it.Too much's fledgling career was no doubt curtailed by 'Real Life', jobs, university courses and other crap like that.Likely, they had to sell the music gear their mums and dads bought them to pay the rent in their grotty bedsits as society began to grind down their youthful enthusiasm.They're probably all dead now!?

They did,however, leave us with five charming upbeat power pop rave-ups with a distinct Pub Rock flavour.....more photo's anyone?...

Yes, one of them had a beard.Very  subversive in 1978.

DOWNLOAD but not too much HERE!

Lucy ‎– "Really Got Me Goin' + Never Never (7" Singles) " (Lightning Records ‎– BCS 0008;+GIL 516) 1977/1978

Tracklisting:

A Really Got Me Goin'
B Oy

Tracklisting:

A Never Never
B Feel So Good

Lightning Records philosophy strictly followed the 'If you throw enough shit at the wall some will stick' rule.

They threw lots of Punk Shit at all available walls,and mostly nothing stuck.The walls of taste were teflon coated.

Sad thing is not all of it was shit, including the two singles, in '77/'78 by the abysmally named 'Lucy'.

Four tracks of faultless high octane rock'n'roll, of the original Pub Rock/Punk Rock hybrid that we all fell in love with.....yep, I love Lucy.....thats what i was building up to. Tadaaaah!

If they had a name something like Slaughter and the Dogs they would have been a sucessful medium sized punk rock act....but nah!...they were called 'Lucy'!!!!????

DOWNLOAD a punk band called lucy HERE!

Snatch ‎– "Snatch" (Pandemonium ‎– WITCH 1) 1983

Oh Christ!...Patti Palladin and Judy Nylon were 'Snatch';two potty mouthed american ex-pats,or, immigrants if they were black; who were sooooo bored that they decided to be Rock-Stars one hungover morning after drinking somebody elses booze the previous night.
There are times when the phrase "Too Cool For School" applies rather too fucking much. You just know these kool chicks wouldn't want to be seen with ugly penniless no-marks like you and me....well at least not you anyway.
Just read this toe-curling interview with Patti Palladin extracted from too cool for school 'search and destroy magazine:

"When I came to London in about '74 we(Palladin and Judy Nylon) became good friends. We were trying our best to get something going, we were both creative chicks... We both had ideas of sorts.
For 2 foreign chicks living in London, what is there really to do? So that's why Rock & Roll! It was the obvious thing to do out of boredom. We thought about forming a band together. We worked on basic lyrics and melodies and things. But it was hard trying to find people who understood where we were coming from. At that time all the punks were suddenly beginning to appear. Everyone was into saying, "I'm a punk. I'm cool, I'm aggressive, we're going to change it" and all this shit."

These cool coooool chicks could easily pass for Glam refugees Johnny Thunders and Bowie in drag. In fact didn't Palladin have a relationship with her male-self? The ultimate narcissistic kick.

These flat-chested chanteuses had their most famous single released on fake punk label Lightning Records in 1978, and it scraped the bottom edge of the charts. Like a Glam/Punk version of The GTO's, they sang about being bored and shopping to muddy post-bowie backing tracks mixed low beneath their piercing drawls.

The myth is that they never exploited their sexuality, unlike the other Punk girls(?), which is of course pure bollocks.Look at the sultry poses that adorn the two sides of the LP cover....notably with the less attractive one (Judy Nylon) on the back,rather than on her back.I imagine there were some bitchy battles about that subject....ahhh....maybe not because they were 'Artists' weren't they.....better than us.

This all involved, naturally, an 'Eno Collaboration',but knowing Eno, they likely collaborated in bed as well.....they were after all, Too Cool For School.

Tracklisting:

A1 Credit 3:18
A2 All I Want 3:50
A3 Second Rater 2:00
A4 Amputee 1:56
A5 Joey 2:20
A6 Stanley 3:57
A7 Carlotta 2:02
A8 Trial By Fire 2:21
A9 Radio Ad 1978 0:33
B1 Dead Heat 4:12
B2 When I'm Bored 1:56
B3 I.R.T. 2:16
B4 Shopping For Clothes 3:45
B5 R.A.F.
Featuring – Brian Eno(told ya!) 2:58
B6 Black Market 5:11

DOWNLOAD and Snatch a earful HERE!

The Jerks ‎– "Jerk Off" (Overground Records ‎– OVER 65CD) 1997

They mentioned the Dole Queue, they said that they 'Hate You',and one of them had bleached hair......must be Punk right?
One of the more credible groups on Lightning Records, but don't ask me me why!
They did after all,have a keyboard player,which breaks rule number two of Punk Rock...No Keyboard Players. They also break rule number one, No Backing Singers.At least rule number three wasn't contravened,...No Brass Sections.A big no no that one....remember The Saints second album!???
The later tracks reveal  genuine pretentions towards New Wave Pop,but they didn't have any talent, which is, in itself, a major talent if you wanna make proper Punk Rock......which The Jerks managed to actually do on a couple of tracks.All this despite the rather silly use of the word 'woofing' in a tune that resides in one of the very worst punk sub-genres.....'Comedy Punk'. Did anyone ever find Toy Dolls, Splodgenessabounds, and the Dickies funny at all?

Tracklisting:

1 Back To Berlin
2 California Sun
3 Hold My Hand
4 You're Not Worth It (Jerk Off)
5 Dole Queue Boys
6 We Hate You
7 Get Your Woofing Dog Off Me
8 More More More
9 Join The Navy
10 Cool
11 Cruisin' (Again)
12 Safety Zone
13 The Beating Of Hearts
14 Come Back Bogart
15 Are You Strong Enough?

DOWNLOAD and jerk off HERE!

Blitzkrieg Bop ‎– "Top Of The Bops" (Overground Records ‎– OVER 69CD) 1998

One of the better releases on Lightning Records would have to be "Lets Go" by those 'Geordie New Wave luminaries', Blitzkrieg Bop(of which there are three versions of on this cd comp). An adapted version of Scott Mackenzies Hippy anthem involving putting flowers in your hair. Tony Parson's NME review of this tune is paraphrased in an amusing interview (track 18) on local radio back in '77, during which the Blitzkrieg Bopper involved actually sounds reasonably informed, and the local DJ rather amusingly alludes that this record and group are not very good.
Of course they're 'not very good', that was the whole point innit? The difficult part was to have the ability to not improve, the lack of which was the main factor in Punk Rocks rapidly approaching death date,or at least the sell-by date. It was simply all over by the end of 1978....and so were Blitzkrieg Bop. The band they stole their rather unispired name from,(Ramones if you somehow hadn't worked that one out yet?), kept repeating themselves into the late eighties,but they weren't as punk as these geordies,had worse clothes,rocked too much and basically sang about girlfriends.

DOWNLOAD lightning war bop on lightning HERE!

Various ‎– "Lightning Records Punk Collection" (Anagram Records ‎– CD PUNK 79) 1996

Lightning Records had a massive hit in 1977 with "Uptown Top-Ranking" by Althea and Donna, so they had buckets full of cash to penetrate the 'Punk' market.Trouble was there weren't any Bands left to sign up, and no-one would want to sign for such a dodgy label as that anyway. So they got all the groups no-one wanted, and made a few up too.

This compilation of Fake Punk cash-in masters, Lightning Records, is a punk dustbin full of fake groups and groups signed because one of them had a short hair cut and knew naughty words like 'Berk' or flipping Heck!

If you didn't know any better, and you heard "Dark Glasses" by The Mirrors, in 1978, you'd either be horrified at its vicious roll'n'roll furylessness, or find it totally laughable. The correct reaction would have to be laughter, as it's one of thee most clueless attempts at a punk cash-in ever gobbed onto vinyl.

The lyrics, sang by what could only be an off-duty Elvis impersonator,or that bloke from Spandau Ballet, are priceless. Examples of which are:

"You're wearing Dark Glasses, Have You Got The Class?"

"In a doorway they take co-co with a jacknife"(they weren't allowed to say Cocaine I guess)

No they weren't the proto-Pere Ubu Mirrors from Cleveland Ohio,but they did play the Roxy and The Vortex, and support Sham 69. How this tune went down I shudder tho think.

Whereas Fake Punkers, "Martin and the Brownshirts" did actually come from Cleveland, as in the shithole in the north-east of England, rather than the shithole in America.

Nasty Media, no-one knows anything about,but I suspect they were another made up band, and were the only 'Punk' band to rhyme Berk with Jerk, so they get top marks on the Punksploitation scale from me.

Neville Wanker & The Punters are the wonderfully annoying bosses of the middle-aged blokes go punk punksploitation Oscar. The backing singers,(which breaks Punk rule number one, 'No Backing Singers),relentlessly chant "Punk...Punk Rock" all through this charming ditty about how "The Punk Rock is here to Stay"!!!? Its like a parody that would regularly crop up on awful TV magazine programme like "That's Life" in 1978.

The Fruit-Eating Bears even went on 'A Song For Europe' in an attempt to get on the Eurovision Song Contest.....they didn't.....but you can get all their stuff HERE!

Elton Motello, whose Gay anthem 'Jet Boy Jet Girl' was nicked from fellow chutney ferret Lou de Prijck and lip synced by Plastic Betrand, was in 'Bastard' with Brian James(the Damned), and is probably the only person on this with any debatable cred' points in the Punk Rock world.

The rest are a bunch of flare wearing converts with shoulder length hair.Maybe sporting a discreet safety pin, a 'punk' badge or two,and a length of chain attached to their jumpers......which for me was a far better image than getting tarted up on the Kings Road and spiking up your previously blow-dried locks.

This album is crammed with effortlessy insipid punk and new wave facimiles, nothing at all offensive, and actually nothing to do with 'Punk Rock'. Its great!

PS...you can get a full Fake Punk onslaught from Die or DIY?'s Fake Punk compilation "Come and get yer Punk in Woolworths" by clicking HERE!

Tracklisting:

1 –Jet Bronx & The Forbidden - Ain't Doin' Nuthin'
2 –The Mirrors - Cure For Cancer
3 –The Jerks - Get Your Woofing Dog Off Me
4 –Blitzkrieg Bop - Let's Go
5 –Martin & The Brownshirts - Taxi Driver
6 –Elton Motello - Jet Boy Jet Girl
7 –Fruit Eating Bears - Chevy Heavy
8 –Dirty Dog - Let Go Of My Hands
9 –Horror Comic - I Don't Mind
10 –Too Much - Who Do You Wanna Be
11 –The Nerves - TV Adverts
12 –Cane - D.K.Dance
13 –Cane - College Girls
14 –Neville Wanker & The Punters - Boys On The Dole
15 –The Mirrors - Dark Glasses
16 –Nasty Media - Spiked Copy
17 –Blitzkrieg Bop - U.F.O.
18 –Krypton Tunes - All In Jail
19 –The Jerks - Cool
20 –Too Much - Kick Me One More Time
21 –Open Sore - Vertigo (Live)
22 –The Crabs - Lullabies Lie (Live)

DOWNLOAD this fake storm HERE!

Jandek ‎– "Portland Thursday" (Corwood Industries ‎– CORWOOD 0798) 2009

What were you doing on the 20th of April, 2006?
If you were celebrating Hitlers Birthday, then you're an idiot.If you were watching Jandek at the Hollywood Theatre Portland Oregon, then you're not so much of an Idiot; more an inspired Idiot, or a Lucky idiot. There are people out there who think Jandek is an Idiot,well I am inclined to place such people in the same category as those who would celebrate Herr Schicklgrubers latest landmark.
As with all the early 'live' Jandek recordings, this one sounds like Jandek's studio records but meated-up by competent improvisers.
Some of this even 'Rocks-Out','kicks-ass', or whatever other hyphenated adjectives do the rounds in American Rocker circuits.
Fear not, there are ladles of misery and self-pity to pour over those specific carbunkles to conteract such unpleasentness, like gravy neutralising the chopped liver alongside your potatoes.

Tracklisting:

1-1 I Like You Too 13:29
1-2 Cut Up 12:01
1-3 Someone 13:58
1-4 I Asked You Please 13:22
2-1 Trouble Away 10:56
2-2 The Distance Is Gone 8:28
2-3 Come True 11:03
2-4 Whose Mister Is This 8:56
2-5 Can I Be With You 8:25
2-6 Eddie 10:06
2-7 Highway Going Home 6:51

DOWNLOAD jandek in portland through this digital portal HERE!