Tuesday 3 May 2016

"Dilly Ding Dilly Dong: No-one Listened To Our Songs (a Die or DIY tribute to Leicester City FC) " - (a DIE or DIY? mixtape No.9)

An achievement that was ten times more unlikely than the discovery of the Loch Ness Monster has happened! The People's Champions have been crowned.Leicester City strike a blow for the common man, and raise a rigid middle finger to the Murdoch controlled Football mafia.
Where,exactly, is Leicester (pronounced less-ter, or Less-toh in the slovenly local dialect)? 
Its located in the geographical center of jolly old England,at junction 21 of the M1 motorway,40 miles east of Birmingham,and 20 miles south of Nottingham.Home town of such luminaries as Englebert Humperdinck,David Icke,Dickie and David Attenborough,joking Joe Merrick aka 'The Elephant Man', and Roy from Coronation Street.Not forgeting that Richard the Third was buried in a car park there until recently; who's rediscovery and subsequent re-internment  seemed to be a catalyst for a change in the City's international profile.Culminating in 2016's unlikely Premier League triumph for the Local Football team,Leicester City FC;aka 'The Foxes',formerly 'The Filberts' after previous home ground Filbert street got demolished.
As a Foxes supporter of nigh on forty years,the unlikely story of my favourite Footy team winning association Football's most coverted trophy has stirred some deeply buried emotions over the past year or so. Yes, i've made inexplicable journeys to Middlesborough on a tuesday evening to join 500 other sad adults watch our lads get beat 2-0 at Ayresome park; one of the planets worst sporting cess pits.Or endure the six hour round trip to Newcastle to see us lose 7-1,while being 'entertained'(?) by Lindisfarne celebrating their promotion.
If you've ever been 'coined' by the human animals of Millwall at Cold Blow lane, as I have, on a freezing boxing day; while your team loses 2-0 again? Then maybe you will understand,and allow me a tear or two, as my torturer's actually win something 'important'....and with comparative ease to boot!?
I'm old enough to remember when Football (Soccer to our American readers), was a working class pastime rather than a Plutocrats playground. It was an era when any club could win the championship purely by teamwork, tactics, and developing young talent. It wasn't dictated by how many stolen billions some half interested Oligarch ploughed into his new boy toy. Clubs from the arseholes of the UK got to win the main prize quite often, like Derby County (Boo!), Nottingham F*#@+t (Boooo!), and Ipswich Town.
No longer do the little people of the slave classes get to have any simple joy, as the slave owners have bought all their places,and replaced the terraces with soundproofed (?) executive suites,for Champagne business lunches during the games.
The teams too are populated by strutting millionaire preening peacocks; the lowest paid of whom earn more in a week than the excluded underclasses can earn in five,or more, years.
The clubs themselves determine their own success by how many millions they spend on these narcissistic intellectual minnows. Thus crushing the ,so-called, smaller clubs ambitions to merely hoping for survival.
Leicester City FC once tried to compete with the upper echelons by splashing the cash that they didn't have; prompted by then Manager Martin O'Neil, who moaned constantly about New Stadiums, and increased wages.The club provided everything he had asked for, only for the cunt to fuck off to Glasgow Celtic?????....why?) Frequently heard from the supporters was the beyond dumb inquisitory grunt of "Where's the Muneh(local accent for the word Money) gone?"; there was even a 'fanzine' called "Where's the Money Gone?".
Where did the money go? 
Into the pockets of the increasingly swaggering Leicester City first Team squad, and the bank accounts of the Construction companies naturally.The 'fans' could never understand why Pele,Best,and Cryuff never played for Leicester City.This pressure,of course led to bankruptcy and administration, only to be saved by grinning local Leicester footy superstar and legend, Gary Lineker, with support from Serbian 'businessman' Milan Mandaric. 
I suppose we did win a couple of minor trophies in the early noughties (League cup x2),but nearly Lost our football team in the process.
Then in walked our saviours, the Duty-Free kings of Thailand; listen carefully, I shall say this only once: the Srivaddhanaprabha family;inflictors of the horrendous 'King Power' brand name.
Swiftly they brought in Buddhist monks to pray for success, paid off all debts,and bought back the 'Walkers Stadium', then promptly renamed it the, gulp, 'King Power Stadium'.
From here began an unprecedented run of success, rising from the third tier back into the premier league as relegation favourites in 2014/15.
Oh how the bloated cheats of the 'Big' clubs smugly smirked as we(LCFC) propped up the table for two thirds of the season. Then, apparently doomed, we started to win ALL of our games, and survived to struggle another day......except we didn't struggle, we continued to win all of our games in the following(this) season; including highlights such as destroying the most bloated billionaire club of them all,the Shiek's plaything Manchester City, at their own ground.The very club who were the template of 'How to Buy Success',what a bunch of wankers they are!? (just to wind up the geezer who writes the 'Bleak Bliss' blog).
Then amidst all this enduring success we've had to endure the patronising verbal vomit of football 'Pundits', who, for the last year and a half have predicted Leicester's impending collapse,in between sickening references to 'Football Fairytales'. This is no 'Fairytale',they won the premier league trophy because they were the best team, no Fairydust,or cash, required. A carefully balanced formula, of solid defense, lightening fast counter-attacking,played by an organised team of motivated journeymen and bargain buys that moulded into this well-oiled machine.
This, admittedly, may not have any great longevity however. I can sense ,PFA Footballer of the Year, Rihyad Mahrez has thoughts of that big money move to Barcelona written all over his performances,as he virtually disappeared from the game for the last five matches;designer Chav and top scorer, Jamie Vardy, has developed the beginnings of a swagger that could lead to his ruination.Also, that fearless brand of pacey counter-attacking football has turned into dour Italian style defense,grinding out cleansheets.
But so what? Leicester City winning the League Crown just once, is worth all the titles those big money boys have ever bought, all put together in one shiny dustbin.Yes i'm bitter,but who cares,Fuck 'em!
As the unlikely,and loveable, Genius that is ,team manager, Claudio Ranieri put it so succinctly:
"Dilly Ding Dilly Dong! We're in the Champions League Man! What's wrong with you?"

The Raison d'etre of this diatribe is to celebrate my birthplace's moment in the spotlight by remembering some of the missing pop groups who populated the Leicester music scene's seedy underbelly.
Better Known for annoying faux-cool fodder like Kasabian, Cornershop, Gaye Bykers On Acid,and grebo crud like Crazyhead(Nearly included a Family track, but they were Hippies weren't they?).Forget that nonsense,they are the Martin O'Neil era equivalent of Pop. What we want is the Brian Little era clumsy losers of noise. Making the sonic doppelgangers of the Leicester v Derby 1994 Play-off final, where the foxes put three centre halves in attack beating a slick and skilfull Derby team with brute force and ignorance. I can still see human donkey Gary Coatsworth's 50 yard diagonal ball, into Derby's penalty box,smeared over the goal line by a brutal Steve Walsh to score. Gary Coatsworth really was worth his body weight in coats. He never played another game.......just like many of the bands featured on this compilation.Beautiful losers with a route one musical approach that ultimately works.(I must apologise to Derby Fans for 1994,probably thee worst football Leicester ever played)


1/ The 1974 LEICESTER CITY SQUAD -"This is the Season For Leicester"

A very appropriate single released in 1974 in the vane hope that we went on to win our FA Cup semi-final against Shankly's Liverpool....we lost. A single literally 42 years ahead of its time!

2/ The SINATRAS - "Happy Feeling"

Peel touted post punk indie on the uber-trendy Dining Out Records from 1980. Very accurate vibe.

3/ STANDARD ISSUE - "Living in Leicester" (Live at Scamps 1980)

An autobiographical number by Atonal DIY post punk combo Standard Issue. The Charlotte crew mentioned would be the usual suspect who hung out at Leicesters premier muso-pub the Princess Charlotte.You can find the Hind (sans Crew) opposite the railway station if you are so inclined....unless its been demolished that is.

4/ DRAGON OR EMPEROR - "Your Success"

Avant-Rock collaboration from Aaron Moore(Volcano the Bear) and that bloke from Black Carrot who sounds like that bloke from Pere Ubu. Had to think twice about this as Aaron inexplicably supports West Ham????? The title says it all for the lads.

5/ FARMLIFE - "Susie's Party"

Another one from Dining Out Records by Farmlife, better known as The Bomb Party in years to come. It's the nearest tune I could get to Jamie Vardy's Party.

6/ DISCO ZOMBIES - "Top Of The Pops"

The legendary Disco Zombies are hear to remind everyone who's Top of The Football Pops, with a hefty slice of punky power pop.

7/ MC PITMAN - "Witness The Pitness"

Although officially from Coalville,which has the unfortunate affliction to be near 'The North', so has imported the yorkshire slang word 'Mi'Sen', meaning myself. Otherwise spoiling a near perfect example of the Leicester accent as presented here by Rapping Coal miner MC Pitman.

8/ YEAH YEAH NOH - "Cottage Industry"

John Peel favourites and poor man's Smiths, Yeah Yeah Noh, epitomise the cheapness of everything Leicester.

9/ METAL DOUGHNUT BAND - "Laura Norder"

Some horrific n-n-n-n-nineteen style sampling on this one.
The Maggie Thatcher sample "We will never compromise with Violence", makes this a perfect theme tune for Robert Huth (uncompromising Leiceter center-Half). The Doughnuts were a danceable version of the early to mid eighties fad for junk metal percussion, who like to perform naked......tut tut tut.

10/ DEEP FREEZE MICE - "A Ten Legged Beast (Or an eight legged beast with feelers)"

Prolific proto-indie DIY tunesmiths Deep Freeze Mice almost describe LCFC. Maybe 22 legged beast is more appropriate....or 21 legged beast as Mahrez only has one foot.

11/ MIDNIGHT CIRCUS - "Survivors"

DIY Cassette leg-ends pay tribute to last seasons great escape from almost certain relegation.

12/ BARRON BALLS - "Stoke"

Early eighties bedroom combo Barron Balls and some unhinged nonsense about Stoke, who did the foxes no favors when they shouldered arms against Spurs a few weeks ago! Twats!

13/ BARRON BALLS on WFMU radio.

......from Leechester says the DJ.Ah Bless.
Various Barron Ballers at Wembly 1992...er....we lost!

14/ MODERN LIVING - "Drink Is A Drug"

Wobbly post punk incompetence about the dangers of too much booze.

15/ THE AMBER SQUAD - "It's a Replay "

No Replays for the big four in the league i'm happy to inform them!
Power Pop from the mean streets of downtown Oakham.

16/ KEVIN HEWICK - "Plenty"

Yeah, that bloke who hung out with the Factory Records lot.Once touted as the potential Ian Curtis replacement after said singer topped himself.

17/ VOLCANO THE BEAR - "Planetary Bethlehem"

The Residents of the east mids. Dada-esque combo with members who were once in a hardcore band called 'Scalpt' with a 'T'. Artistic types, with Painter Aaron.....as in Painter and Decorator.
I suppose the KP Stadium is a kind of Bethlehem equivalent for us fans of the Filberts.


The opposite end of the intellectual scale, either at the top or the bottom, depends on which way you want to see it; are The Rockin' Bastards. Upon revisiting this magnum opus, vocaliser Butch Clarke said "(it)sounds like people being murdered with angle grinders in a Victorian lunatic asylum."......I can't disagree....but murdered in a good way.......a bit like this song?
A Rockin' Bastard  Guitarist (Toffo) at Wembley 96

19/ PROLAPSE - "Every Night I'm Mentally Crucified (7000 Times)"

Featuring Leicester's only professional Scotsman.
The title is evocative of many wasted 90 minutes i've spent watching Leicester City.......it all seems so worth it now.

20/ SCOUTS OF UZBEKISTAN - "The Dilly Ding Dilly Dong Song"

Specially remixed, and unreleased track from Scouts Of Uzbekistan,in praise of Claudio, from their forthcoming ,and long awaited LP, "Hate Is Our Religion" on Year Zero Records.

21/ DJ tells us about the Scouts.


Impossibly obscure weirdo's pay tribute to Leicester Legend Keith Weller when he played on a cocktail of Alcohol and 'shrooms.That must have been the game he wore the famous tights?

23/ FUTURE TOYS - "R.C.U."

Doon't no nuffink baht these Fookahs.....Future Toys....just like the footy clubs who haven't yet been taken over by foreign capitalist gangsters....y'know, The 'Sleeping Giants', like Wolves for example?

24/ NEW AGE - "Livin' For Now"

Another Dining Out band, who quickly slid down the New Romantic helter skelter to hell.
I'm Livin' for Now, because I probably won't ever see my footy club win another bean.

25/ THE BANGERS - "Blue Army Blues"

I have horrific memories of this tune echoing in my addled brain in the coach to Wembley in '94, when i had a hangover by half time.....oh the pain. A gentle reggae tinged run through the sink estates of Leicestershire, sung by some awful career Hooligan,who thankfully I don't remember the name of. Probably got knifed up shortly after this.

26/ SHOWADDYWADDY - "Blue Moon"

No Leicester compilation is complete without these celebrated chocolate box Teds. One of their sons actually played for the Foxes, Scott Oakes I believe.......New Faces had a lot to answer for, not only these anti-matter rockers, but Lenny Henry as well. These crimes easily puts the Third Reich in the shade.
Zchivago(Front Right) and Van Hellman of the Barron Balls(Front Left) with Super Steve Claridge , and unknown strangers after he shinned the winner at Wembley against Crystal Palace in 1996.
But, the only Leicester Band ever to be re-imagined as Leicester City players on an album sleeve was Family, with this charming depiction which adorned "The Best Of Family" album in about 1973
Great cover, boys,sorry you didn't make it on the Compilation. The "Weavers Answer" is a great tune anyway.
Back in the (Eyres)Monsell, where I wuz brung up.There was a couple of hippies living in a grotty council flat,one in a wheel chair and cowboy boots; wheeled around by an hippie in a cowboy hat and an eyepatch. Turned out the one in the whell chair was the one and only Ric Grech of Family,Traffic and Blind Faith! Ravaged with drink and drugs and broke,he was reduced to living in the council estate that he came from, to die. Let that be a cautionary tale to you kids who are flirting with the rock'n'roll myth. Don't do drugs and Alcohol or you'll end up in Eyres Monsell with renal failure!!!