Fred Miller ‎– "The Sounds Of Love ...A To Zzzz" (Yorkshire Records ‎– Yorkshire 27021) 1972

It sounds like Fred isn't entirely concentrating on pleazin' his woman. Fiddling around with his electronic organ,and twiddling the wrong knobs when he should be giving her his full attention. What's more he seems to have shoved a microphone in her mouth, without a windshield, to record her half-hearted ecstacy. Not any wonder that this run through of the orgasm alphabet ends with a Zzzzzzzz.
Another downpoint is the version of "Bolero", which always brings me a horrific flashback of the winter Olympics in 1984 when Torvill and Dean won Gold in the Ice Dance with that terrible, traumatizing medal winning routine. Granted, I would have preferred Fred Miller's version to have pumped out of the speaker system,complete with the moans and groans of sexual monotony.
Yes, women do it better......no not sexual intercourse, I mean messing about with electronic toys....they being, synthesizers. So that segués us nicely from all this semi-erotic nonsense into the stone age of electronica, when women ruled the Earth!?


Tracklist:

1.Scented Wind 5:20
2.Black & Blues 4:36
3.Midnight Waterfalls 9:30
4.Pavane 5:30
5.Bolero 14:00
6.Piano Concerto No 21 7:30

DOWNLOAD ahhhh to oooohhhhh HERE!

Helen Gurley Brown ‎– "Lessons In Love" (GNP Crescendo ‎– GNP 604) 1962

The appropriately named Helen Gurley Brown,wrote Sex and the Single Girl, and was editor of Cosmopolitan Magazine for 35 years. During those times she released a handy audio guide to adultery as well. Including such essential advice for such romantic dead ends as,"Capturing A Man If You Aren't Pretty!"..easy, suck his knob..."Short Men Can Be Sexy!...especially if they've got a Ferrari; "How To Talk To A Man In Bed!"....simple...DON'T!
The solutions are in fact mine,as if you didn't know.Helen Gurley Brown's solution are rather more wordy,and....er... Brown.
Lucky for y'all that your scribe hasn't been asked to make an romantic advice record any time soon. It would be rather short....just like those vertically challenged sexy chaps and their Ferraris.

Tracklist:

A1 Getting A Girl To The Brink!
A2 Conducting The Affair
A3 How To Behave At Home When You're Misbehaving
A4 How To Love A Secretary!
A5 Short Men Can Be Sexy!
A6 How To Say "No" To A Girl!
A7 Keep Your Wife Seductive
B1 Capturing A Man If You Aren't Pretty!
B2 How To Say "No"
B3 Unfaithful Wives' Tales!
B4 The Love-Life Of Boss And Secretary!
B5 How To Talk To A Man In Bed!
B6 Keeping Your Husband Sexy!

DOWNLOAD some harsh lessons in adultery HERE!

Dr Stanley Z. Daniels - "Sex Explained For Children" / "Sex For Teens(Where Its At) / "Sex For (Sex Is Fun Particularly When You're In Love)" ( Carapan Records 1969-1972)

Do you think the two characters on each cover are the same people at different stages of their lives?
There you go, we can pair up for life like Ducks do. Although i think volumes four to six would have been on Divorce for Adults, Teens and Children. We need more guidence on how to split up than how to have sex....that's the easy part.
These three classic forays in to how to patronize teens and adults are indespensible acquistions for child and adult alike. Not for the rather unreliable advice of Dr. Stanley Z. Daniels, but for the chance to hear children say 'Penis' and 'Menstruation', and  hear the good Doctor's views on the sick and depraved existence of Homosexuals. There's some jaw dropping stuff on these ,so-called 'Educational' discs, and typically, they being American in origin, 'God' gets a hefty look in too.Ask your local preacher for advice, is Stanley's guidence at one stage.
The Doctors voice has a similar quality to Ken Nordines rich timbre,but more robotic, and far funnier. 
Listening to this progressive-regressive modernism from the past is enough to put you off sex altogether, rather than want to do it properly.
The ignorance is an intresting insight into the thoughts and opinions of middle calss america in the seventies,that hasn't changed much even today, as well as being rather hilarious. 
I notice its also only for whites too?
By far the best of the three volumes,if not just for the acting, is "Sex For Teens". The 'with it',but obviously square boy-teen is having an argument with his sister about her hippie boyfriend,when The Doctor enters the conversation to calm things down.....it all goes steeply downhill from there.The part on Homosexuality is priceless!
I'm sure this has been sampled to death.Now here's your chance.

DOWNLOAD the complete set HERE!

Unknown Artist ‎– "Fornicating Female Freaks" (Audio Stag Records ‎– A-1002) 1970

Another spoken word smut-fest from the John Waters school of acting, with dialogue from the The Sun (UK trash tabloid) school of journalism.
Back from the days when Lesbians were seen as perverts,or only did it because they weren't getting a good 'seeing to' by their husbands, we have some 'Bold Butchy Lesbians' indulging in ac/dc sex!?
Whatever a Bold-Butchy Lebian Freak is? I guess its, a slightly male acting female,whose wanton behaviour results in some "kinky nights of pure pleasure" with partners of the same gender?
Again the cover art is something special, but the poetry of the dialogue is only slightly less offensive than the preceeding 'Perverted Nympho Housewife" record;unless you are a Lesbian of course. Here lesbianism is portrayed simply as mere titilation for the male audience,and only an option if the young ladies in question didn't have a man to provide her with pleasure.

Tracklist:

A Fornicating Female Freaks (14:37)
B Fornicating Female Freaks (16:24)

DOWNLOAD direct from denmark HERE!

Unknown Artist ‎– "The Lustful Sexlife Of A Perverted Nympho Housewife" (Audio Stag Records ‎– A-1001) 1970

As spoken word recordings go, this is more avant-garde than the avant-garde could ever hope to be. This could provide the lyrics to any of a dozen new Whitehouse albums,especially the rather uncomfortable Anal Rape scene!?Anyone got any complaints just explain it away as 'Art',which is always the last refuge of the Scoundrel. Subversive stuff indeed,its just a pity a legion of self-exposing pervs in dirty raincoats misunderstood this work of art as cheap smutty stimulation for self-satisfying solo sex for one.
Now you don't have to go to Denmark or Sweden for top quality sound poetry ,like it says on the cover, you could get this erotic masterpiece from your local smut peddler with the blacked out windows.The sleeve art alone is worth the few bucks,just to know that When Jimmy the grocery boy fucks a bitch.... she stays fucked!
Like many a classical rennaisance painter ,all the nice young ladies mentioned in this 20th century rival to Titian are said to be "Built Like A Brick Shithouse"! Oh the Romance of it all.It's no surprise the 'artists' involved wanted to remain anonymous.Not everyone wants to be famous y'know? And sometimes its for a very good reason.

DOWNLOAD this filthy deflowering of romance HERE!

Eric Weber ‎– "Picking Up Girls Made Easy" (Symphony Press ‎– EW-1356) 1975

If you're a record geek, or an idiot, or gay trying to seem straight, this is the supreme guide on how NOT to pick up girls,and keep your virginity intact.
Who this idiot Eric Weber was is anyone's guess,but you can speculate that,like a lot of people who read this blog,he is likely a bespectacled geek and,very much, a drooling and desperate virgin.
Hear Mike,who'd be named Mr Dick Head in this modern era, in bird-pulling action action on the streets of Dallas involving complimenting the Woman...sorry... Chick, with the unfeasably large breasts on her Hair, then lying to her about being an advertising executive. The chick in question herself, sounds like Dick Emery,as Mandy,the "Ooooo you are awful,but I like you" character", as seen on British TV in the Seventies. A time and space that stands outside of reality in its sheer perfection.
Chicks like Art!? Chicks in Libraries are probably as bored as you are!? Chicks like ballet,but Guys wouldn't be seen dead there,so less competition!? Are just a couple of the nuggets of information that I learned from this cring-fest of a 'How To...' record. I had to listen to this in the same way I'd watch a Donald Trump press conference,with my hands over my eyes and ears seeing and listening through the fingers of my hand. You will not feel proud to be male with either of these unfortunate experiences, or in the case of a Trump speech,you will not feel proud to be male, or, human.
It is a jolly jape however, because all this was amazingly so alright in the seventies?

Tracklist:

A1 The Street Pick Up
A2 Love In The Library
A3 Single's Bar Action
A4 Woman's Clothing Store Pick Up
B1 The Ballet Is A Ball
B2 Museum Pick Up
B3 Walking The Dog
B4 Pick Up At The Beach

DOWNLOAD and enjoy an active wanking life HERE!

Les Baxter Featuring Bas Sheva ‎– "The Passions" (Capitol Records ‎– LAL-486) 1954

If you have a preponderance for recordings of a young lady's screams, wails, whimpers, howls, grunts, and moans.Then this is the 10 incher for you.......the size of the record by the way.
Exotica and easy listening legend Les Baxter, attempts to capture the complex world of a woman's emotions in sound,using the wide octave range of the obscure vocal talents of Bas Sheva; which is the Ashkenazi Jew pronouciation of Biblical saucy temptress "Bathsheba"...so i'm told!
Bas wasn't around for very long,as she died while working as a singer on a cruise liner in 1960, from a fatal diabetic reaction to ship food. Leaving just this crowning achievement of horrific wordless moaning to keep her soul alive forever.All in glorious Mono too...and it takes no prisoners,so begin at a low volume.
One more record that is guaranteed to clear a room. Always keep it handy just in case unwelcome guests arrive,or outstay their welcome.
Very good for Social Distancing as recommended by your national governments in 2020.

Tracklist:

1.Despair
2.Ecstasy
3.Hate
4.Lust
5.Terror
6.Jealousy
7.Joy

DOWNLOAD the dangerous world of a woman's emotions HERE!

Petite M'amie ‎– "Girl Friend Baby Doll" (Victor ‎– SJV-511) 1971

Nowadays they make 'realistic' life size dolls that resemble Petite M'aimie (Kieko Mari), which is a quaint way of saying Girlfriend in French ("my Little Friend"), to use and abuse in whatever way the purchaser requires.
Back in the seventies the sex dolls looked like mister Blobby's slimmer cousin, and the only way to get your rocks off without an actual woman, was to play records like this....if you were Japanese of course.
This one is,on the surface, more innocent than the others I've posted, full of lots of giggling and whispering, and ,of course, some crying!? But I have a sneeking feeling that Petite M'Aimie might be suggesting that she is below the legal age of consent, which inflicts a darker tone on the proceedings somewhat.


Tracklist:
A1 Girl Friend 3:36
A2 Baby Doll 3:21
A3 Splendor 3:03
A4 Pardon 3:01
A5 Cry 2:50
A6 Make-Love 3:10
B1 Prologue 1:37
B2 Drive 3:27
B3 Coffee 4:23
B4 Wine 1:56
B5 Shower 4:30
B6 Date-Time 4:48

DOWNLOAD your new little friend HERE!

Mabuki Junko - "Ai No Dorei (Slave Of Love)" (Victor Records) 1980

My definition of "Avant Cheese" is turning out to be anything about sex it seems?
But it certainly fits into the DIY bracket, as in DIY sex for one category.
From the film, uncontroversially entitled, "All Women Are Whores", is the spoken word and dulcet singing tones of Mabuki Junko,who plays the Love Slave in question. Lots of whip action and crying going on here,and a surfeit of groaning;its more about pain than pleasure this time. There always seems to be a crying track in these Jap soft porn flicks. But it begs the question,What kind of perv bashes his bishop whilst listening to a imprisoned woman being whipped and crying,obviously in distress?You should be ashamed of yourself you filthy rotten disgusting excuse for a creepy perv bastard that you are!Crawl back under the rock that shat you out and diiiieeee!...right thats me sorted, who's next?
If this film was made and directed by some swedish art-house director called ,for example, Jurgen Harbormaster,the darling of the critics. This would be lauded as high art...but if its made by a bunch of depraved Jap's, its Smut! A payback for the Burma Railway perhaps?

Tracklist:

1 おもいで酒 = Omoide-zake 8:17
2 ふて節 = Fute-bushi 3:51
3 昭和枯れすすき = Shôwa Kare-susuki 14:41
4 ミスター・ロンリー = Mr. Lonely 1:24
5 みちづれ = Michizure 8:19
6 花街の母 = Hanamachi No Haha 11:51
7 理由もなく = Wake Mo Naku 3:07

DOWNLOAD to avenge the use of british slave labour in burma HERE!

Masami Kawahara & The Exotic Sounds ‎– "Ecstasy" ( Columbia ‎– YS-10077-J) 1970

Another Erotic album from Nippon, which gives a whole new perspective on the word 'Nips'.This involves more Japanese moaning and groaning to a hefty slice of vintage Japanese exotica erotica by Masami Kawahara & The Exotic Sounds.
Dunno whats going on with the young lady on the cover? She's either dead or drugged,or both?
Sonic-wise, the disc unleashes a whirlpool of Latin styled mondo -sexploitation sounds that get spiced up with feminine breathing , moaning and hissing, igniting a maelstrom of assorted erotic nonsense and sexual depravity. 
In all, it resembles a cheeky vixen engaged in some drug influenced rumpy-pumpy, hatching out cries, moans, sighs,unitelligable words and other naughty sounds such as the cracking of a whip and other such pervy sound bites , bringing out every possible noise made by a ballbuster on heat. 
The name of Kuwahara Masami may be an unfamiliar one but he was the person responsible for giving Ike Reiko her very distinct sound,or sounds,on her album for which he provided the musical backbone and arrangements unto which Ike could utter her depraved songs.He provided the backbone, and she provided the Boner. 
The album “ Kokotsu / Ecstasy”  however was recorded slightly before his engagement with Reiko.....which is why he couldn't think of a different title to call it, i suppose? 
Bloody weird those Nips.Especially the Nips with the clamps on 'em! (Titter yee Not!)
I guess this is the Japanese version of Ecstasy,which will generally involve some kind of sado-masochism and cruelty.There are some audible slapping sounds on bare flesh heard above the Exotic backing track.A japanese version of the American fad from the fifties, Martin Denny and Les Baxter etc;but the sexual element in the US version was more a suggestion rather than in your face perversion.
Tut Tut Tut! Those very naughty Japanese people!

Tracklist:

A1 Temptation
A2 Manha De Carnaval
A3 Taboo
A4 Jungle Drums
A5 Swahili
A6 Hombre Y Mujer
B1 Mit Day Lagoon
B2 Nightingale
B3 The Voodoo
B4 Flamingo
B5 Emiliano Zapata
B6 Poinciana

DOWNLOAD some exotic erotica HERE!

Ike Reiko -"恍惚の世界 / World Of Ecstasy" (Teichiku Records ‎– SL-1375) 1971

So somebody had to mention 'Avant Cheese' didn't they?.....you wanted it and boy are you gonna get it!
The way that Ike caresses that conical ended phallic microphone kinda suggests what you're gonna be in for,but its weirder than that. 
Staunch womens libber, Ike.....okay...i made that bit up.... But isn't it a womans right to unfurl her medium sized breasts to earn a crust? She might have been just, hot?.....don't judge her.
Thw whole thing sounds like the 'male' producer tried to just record half an hour of Ms. Reiko moaning and groaning into that conical ended phallus she had in her sensitive fingers;but, afterwards had the idea to get some 'erotic' lyrics together. Beneath the saucey singing, and first generation moaning,is a constant degraded third generation analogue tape copy of Ike's original groan-fest.At times it sounds like a dog whining at dinner time in the house next door.Other times like creaking floorboards,or a Baby writhing in a crib.Which is interesting because some versions of this are called,inexplicably, "You,Baby"!?
There are inevitably some pervy japanese behaviours betrayed in the song titles. Like 'Love Slave' which includes sounds of Flagellation with Ike clearly enjoying it.I dread to imagine what "Dawn Scat" is all about...mum,i'm frightened!
The library music backing tacks are suitably sleazy,and possibly ideal love-making music for under 18's....excuse me while I walk casually bent double to relieve myself in the toilet.....to Urinate thank you very much, not masturbate!!!...what kind of person do you lot think I am!?.....oh, yeah, a Loudmouth Tosser, I forgot.

Tracklisting:

1 The Woman Cannot Help It 3:19
2 It Is This Twilight 2:45
3 Vertigo 2:35
4 It Stops The Rain 3:02
5 Dawn Scat 3:02
6 I'm A Woman Named 3:08

7 Wandering Guitar 2:39
8 Angel 2:54
9 Experience 2:43

10 Rainy Day Blues 2:38
11 Love Slave 2:54
12 Chords Of Love 3:20

DOWNLOAD again into that diminishing supply of Kleenex HERE!

Antony Newley and Fiona Richmond - "Frankly Fiona" (Paul Raymond ‎– PR1121973) 1973

I said, better some cheesy listening than some normalsville Industrial boredom from former Czechoslavakia....well you ain't gonna find anything cheesier or sleazier than this erotic classic.
Music by the thinking mans Tommy Steele, Antony Newley, and voice by seventies nudey bird, Fiona Richmond.
(Apparently Newley was involved in a drug fuelled orgy at Roman Polanski's house,Sharon Tate was present,pregnant and active, a few nights before Tex Watson murdered all the inhabitants...sadly Newley had long gone before the Manson lot had arrived)
Cosi Fanni Tutti, of Throbbing Gristle, was a stable mate of Fiona Richmonds at Men Only magazine back in the early seventies. And I would love to hear these naughty monologues atop some of TG's industrial backdrops. Maybe Genesis P chose the wrong soft porn model for the group,or the grope?
The music has that certain John Barry,Ennio Morricone monophonic simplicité,that turns me into putty,even without the dulcet tones of Fiona Richmond  telling me what she wants me to do to her in her clipped, just off Chelsea, accent.
Antony Newley in the seventies, as a solo artist and singer, was something to behold.Open mouthed,as a child, i stared at this shocking exhibition of singing from beyond Mars.A proud exponent of the monobrow, his vibrato was like the buzz of a dying bumble bee in late august.Unbelievable stuff!..still is!
There were few musicians that would make my father leave the room,and second only to The Sweet, was Antony Newley, just pipping Max Bygraves for his dismissive venom. I played no end of Industrial and Punk in my bedroom,but none of that got anywhere near the same reaction as Antony Newley, and/or The magnificent Sweet.
Alas, Tony Newley was a very sucessful composer,and the soundtrack to "Frankly Fiona" was one of his more subtle triumphs. Needless to say he never won a Emmy or a Tony for this work,which makes Most Industrial records sound like the feem toon to a childrens telly programme....well almost. No doubt Tony got paid in kind by Fiona herself,and why not...it was the seventies man.

Weird fact: Tony Newley was one of the victims of the infamous 'Plaster Casters' of chicago,joining such contemporaries as Jimi Hendrix to have their nether regions imortalised in plaster of paris.

Tracklist:

A1 Fiona's Theme (Music And Introduction)
A2 My First Time
A3 Look At Us Now (Song)
A4 Latin Lover
A5 Vibrations
A6 Whenever I'm Alone (Song)
A7 Don't Do It In The Dark
B1 The Boys In The Band (Music And Introduction)
B2 Diner's Dessert
B3 You Are What You Eat (Song)
B4 Turn On
B5 The World Is A Circus (Song)
B6 Fiona's Fantasy
B7 My Baby Does It Good (Song)
B8 Climax

DOWNLOAD into a handy kleenex HERE!

Liza Minnelli ‎– "The Singer" (Columbia ‎– PC 32149) 1973

As i'm obviously having a cabin fever moment,the symptoms including  an inexplicable obsession with Yes,among other No-No's; so I figure its time to select some right-on cheese.
Yes...., it's showbiz royalty,Liza with a 'Zee'. Punch drunk and Judy Garlands' daughter by Vincente Minnelli. She looks like a fuck-up in the album photo with a demented thousand yard stare. She didn't quite reach the heights of self torture that her mother so openly displayed, but there was a moment, in the nineties, after she married David Gest that she became part of a living circus for a few years.
'Cabaret' was her 'Wizard of Oz' moment,which gifted her a loooong slow declining career slide in quality.
However, when I was deeply inside the easy listening counter-culture of the nineties, this album was one of my favourites. In between the cheesy song'n'dance one woman show style numbers, there are a few cool funky tracks, Especially, "Use Me" and "Dancing In The Moonlight" which would get even the most introverted Gaylord tapping his feet.
There's also a cop movie soundtrack version of the horrendously smug Carly Simon number "You're So Vain",which was written about me......I think?
I saw one of those 'greatest album' programmes on BBC4, and it  featured toothy tunesmith Carly Simon, who never stopped telling us what a fucking gorgeous looking genius she was....maybe that song was about herself after all,and not me...or Warren Beaty? She's so Vain,she probably thinks this blurb is about her.....but with a great set of nipples,as she points out on the candid album photo. No such pleasures on the Liza Minnelli cover shot. Singer songwriters are wankers anyway, and Liza,with a Zee, could hardly write her own name never mind a smug self-satisfied anthem like 'You're So Vain'. 
You'll feel dirty after playing this unpretentious funky showbiz ear battering classic.....i'm still scrubbing but the stench won't leave my skin,or my mind.Why won't it leave!? This must be what it was like to be arse-raped with an Oscar by Harvey Wankstain?
I suppose I should be posting some obscure Industrial cassettes from former Czechoslovakia, but this stuff is far more frightening, and far less fucking boring......and certain not to be reissued on Vinyl-On-Fucking-De-Fucking-mand.
I'd love to dig Marvin Hamlisch,the producer of this album, up to have a go at rearranging that 'NON: Rarities Box Set'(Only 150€ plus p&p from HERE!) with brass and string arrangements..maybe adding some lyrics from Hamlisch's classically terrible "A Chorus Line" as the cherry on top......now that's what I call 'Subversive'.Non?

Tracklist:

I Believe In Music 3:37
Use Me 3:39
I'd Love You To Want Me 3:36
Oh, Babe, What Would You Say? 3:31
You're So Vain 3:30
Where Is The Love 2:49
The Singer 2:31
Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight 3:51
Dancing In The Moonlight 3:19
You Are The Sunshine Of My Life 2:36
Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me 2:52

DOWNLOAD with a dee HERE!

Judy Garland ‎– "Judy Garland Speaks!" (Mad Deadly Worldwide Communist Gangster Computer God ‎– DEC-9) 1966

Fuck! If i hear another fucking Sound Poet i'm gonna get as drunk as Judy Garland/Ethel Gumm, is on this tape and start slagging off Vinyl-On -Demand again!...was gonna post some Henri Chopin.....but...nah...if you have a spare 200 euro's plus P&P,you can buy Chopin's entire works from HERE!(yep...VOD),and the meagre proceeds will go to Henri himself in sound poets valhalla....ahhh,but you haven't heard any have you?....i have one Cassette,called "Ouvres",but its on the box set!.....don't wanna upset this Frank Bull pocket Branson person anymore so,if you want to hear before you buy,e-mail me or use the comments section....and i promise not to use unauthorised photography or intellectual property !Nudge Nudge Wink wink;). 

So,Lets raise the bar with some home-taped DIY celebrity trash,from Friend of the Kray Twins and tragic child star Judy Garland.....yes, 'Dorothy' from one of thee most psychedelic movies ever made, "The Wizard Of Oz", and ,ironically, "A Star Is Born"....or, in this case, a Star is Burnt Out, or Dead. Its like an audio book version of Kenneth Anger's 'Hollywood Babylon',but read by the stars about themselves.....the ones who didn't commit suicide at least?

If you wanna know which direction in life the Red Brick road takes you instead of listening to the Munchkins and taking the Yellow option, then this recording makes it clear. The Red option is booze, prescription meds and bitterness,but, the yellow one is even worse, it takes you to Kansas!!!

By the time this bitter old soak made these drunken ramblings(Not Me!...Judy!?) , the only part she could get in the remake of the Wizard of Oz would be the wicked witch of the west...thats the one Auntie Em's house fell on.

This is what happens when dreams come true too early in life, the curse of early peaking,as many a poop star will testify to. Being crushed by Auntie Em's falling house of fame. A kind of post-traumatic stress disorder,but your flashbacks are captured on film,and in this case, audio tape.Recorded as an attempt to begin writing her autobiography in about 1966.She is obviously very drunk and very very Bitter, and it makes for both sad and entertaining listening. She only had three years to live after these recordings,which degrade in quality the drunker she gets.

Its full of gems like: 

"Living Legends don't go on rollercoasters, but I've been put on one,and its been a damn fast ride!".....yes she is referring to herself as a Living Legend.....now a dead one if you didn't know.

Then we get some grade 'A' self pity: 

"I tried my damnedest to believe in that Rainbow I tried to get over and couldn't.....lots of people don't....but so what, i'm not lots of people...i'm ME!...and I'm the one who's  had to live with ME!

I've sung, I've Entertained, I've pleased your children,I've pleased your wives, I've even pleased you ,you sons of Bitches!....now listen or get out of my GODDAMNED LIFE!" (You lot listening?)

Yes, we've all tried to get over that rainbow...in my case it was Ritchie Blackmore's horrible group called Rainbow...a scar that will never heal!...i'm gonna listen to Yes's "Fragile for the first time this afternoon....so if i never post anything again you had better inform the authorities of my suspected death.

We all like to see a star crumble,but they're human beingss too,like a few of us are, allegedly;there's also something very sad,and poignantly true about this insight into the torturous world of celebrity,and the human condition. Be careful what you dream of because it might just come true;even worse come true very early in life.

As little Billy Borroughs said, "The way to kill a man,woman or a nation, (or a child star) is to cut off (her) dreams".....here is the evidence.

Love from your own Loudmouthed Tosser who would definitely go on a rollercoaster......Hey, I just thought....I suppose those Judy Garland quotes could be applicable to me,or even Frank Wankie Woo of VOD?...."Now listen or get out of my GODDAMNED LIFE!"

Tracklist:

1 Obvious Nazi Machine 6:10
2 Plane Crash 5:12
3 Outraged (Long Rant) 35:22
4 Don't Make A Joke Of Me Anymore 5:52
5 In Love With People 2:25
6 Get The Hell Out Of My Life 6:51
7 Humor, Tears, Fun, Emotion, And Love 1:31
8 And Now, Ladies And Gentlemen 0:59
9 All I Want Is Money 8:57
10 They Must Pay 8:33
11 How Do You Feel? 4:33
12 Since I Lost My Man 3:42
13 Absolutely Outrageous 1:29

DOWNLOAD and catch a falling star HERE!

Sten Hanson ‎– "Text-Sounds Gems & Trinkets" (Firework Edition Records ‎– FER 1037)

Sorry, just gotta have a bitch about something first!
If I had something on Vinyl-On-Demand to post I would, as Its founder seems to be claiming some moral High-ground over us with the 'Fucked Up Morals', for using photographs of someone else's cassette inserts,for which apparently gives the photographer ownership rights(if you don't want it copied don't put it on the internet!?); and for selling luxury products to Bourgeois record collectors,then complaing that listening to some lo-fi MP3's is robbing him of his thirty pieces of gold.Its an advert sonny-jim, and owning these astronomically expensive re-issues (not new stuff)is about the object/product/ and its posession not sharing poor copies of the music. Its like slagging off the John Peel Show for playing records of unknown musicians.Most of which, as is the case with this blog,are grateful that they aren't forgotten.In some cases it has revived their creativity, if not their career!If the public don't wanna pay for your products its because they don't think its value for money....its called market forces.If it don't sell its because no-one wants it.
I'm not supporting the artist apparently too!?
Simply by featuring the artist on a very popular blog one is supporting the artist, as most 99% of the  artists who have contacted me, have shown appreciation for this, i think that says something....the other 1% are in it for some other reason rather than the music. Slagging me off is like slagging robin hood and praising the Sheriff of Nottingham.....or even worse supporting Nottingham Forest instead of Leicester City.
I also apprently block criticism,which if you read the comments section you will find is a sad lie.I have never received so much as a whisper from this person,or if i did, it was published.

Sorry for disrespecting the memory of Sten Hansen,but i resent being condecended to by a jumped up record snob capitalist.
In their world, sharing is theft!?.....especially in these times,Property is theft.and copyright is Left.

I've washed my hands again, so i'll begin....Sten Hanson is Sweden's answer to England's Bob Cobbing and France's Henri Chopin. A sound poet -- or text-sound composer as the Swedish like to call this art form....The Suedes, in fact all Scandinavians always seem to get everything right. But they have one advantage over us mongrels...they have the Genetics to allow everything to work.Where the rest of the world panics, they remain stoic. One prime example is how to cope with Corna Virus, by carrying on almost as normal.
As highlighted here on "La Destruction de Votre Code Génétique par Drogues, Toxines et Irradiation" ("The Destruction of Your Genetic Code by Drugs, Toxins and Irradiation"): a robotic-like Hanson runs through the alphabetic sequence of human DNA, but the cut-and-paste sequence becomes gradually corrupted. 
Even when their famed laid back DNA is under attack, they don't get carried away.

Keeping in mind that some of this stuff dates back to the dawn of recording technology, this is a highly interesting work of voice and electronics. At times simple tapeloops and other tape-technology which is now lost knowledge in the world of computers, but also at times synthesizers and other such apparatus. 
So,here we have a compilation spanning nearly 40 years of sten hanson’s text-sound oeuvres,from the modern home of Text-sound,and common sense, Scandinavia.

Tracklist:

1. Dance Figure (for EP) (1´55´´). 
2. Coucher et souffler (3´21´´). 
3. Che (1´20´´). 
4. La destruction de votre code génétique par drogues, toxins et irradiation (3´33´´). 
5. How are you (2´21´´). 
6. Don´t hesitate do it, do it right now (2´56´´). 
7. Railroad Poem or Kaffe i Hackås (2´41´´). 
8. Revolution (3´38´´). 
9. Tête à tête (5´04´´). 
10. Au 197.0 (4´57´´). 
11. Subface (4´10´´). 
12. Hermetic Back Poem (2´47´´). 
13. For Fylax with Love (1´21´´). 
14. The New York Lament (3´56´´). 
15. Bestiary (2´06´´). 
16. Am strengsten verboten (2´40´´). 
17. After John (1´15´´). 
18. Skärp dig för fan (2´59´´). 
19. That Jackson is my favourite poet (2´28´´). 
20. Variations on a Theme by Laaban (2´07´´). 
21. Pronto, pronto (2´18´´). 
22. Snake Jerroth (4´57´´). 
23. Oscar idkar (2´02´´). 
24. O Altitudo (1´56´´). 
25. Finale (2´38´´). 

DOWNLOAD these gems and trinkets HERE!

Four Horsemen ‎– "Canadada" (Griffin House ‎– IPS 1004) 1974

What is it that when you see an unkempt beard with long hair wearing hippie clothing doing performance poetry, one automatically thinks...'Smartarse'!?
Here we have four Hippie Smartarse's enthusiastically showing us how smart they are.
This includes Steve McCaffery, who went on to do some less showy-offy sound poetry that bordered on minimalism.
This sounds like a bunch of university graduates who thought they were the only persons on the planet to have discovered Hugo Ball's Dada manifesto......hence the Cana-dada title.
Just to rub it in there is a 'dedication to the memory of....' printed on the sleeve.
This is a bad case of Borderline Performance Art Disorder, or B.P.A.D.,as a music Psychologist would abbreviate it.Its up there with 'Contemporary Expressive Dance Syndrome' (C.E.D.S), as the ultimate cringe. After a few years, performance art got its act together and dumped the well-read hippies,and smartened up their approach,dumping the really annoying show-off stuff, and making it into something less about themselves and more about the art......nah!They still exist,but there's certainly less of them.
At least The Four Horsemen were trying something different,and rejected guitars and drums.It was just the approach to it that needed honing somewhat.Like a spot of de-hippification for starters.


Tracklist:

A1 From Beast
A2 Matthew's Line
A3 Allegro 108
A4 Seasons
B1 Coffee Break
B2 Theme
B3 Monotony
B4 Michael Drayton
B5 In The Middle Of A Blue Balloon

DOWNLOAD dada data from canadada HERE!

Steve McCaffery ‎– "Wot We Wukkers Want/ One Step To The Next" (Underwhich Audiographic Series ‎– No. 2) 1979

Steve translates the basic principles of Marxism into the dialect of the west riding of South Yorkshire, from whence he came originally.
I would love to have seen the reaction of the kind of Yorkshireman he's parodying in "Wot We Wukkers Want" when confronted by his standard Abstract Sound Poetry. Performing this stuff in one of those northern workers club,he would have been lucky to escape with his life. Rather like the Sex Pistols playing in those redneck towns on that ill-fated US Tour.
Of course most of Urban Yorkshire used to be reliable socialists,so the translation of Das Kapital wouldn't have been too controversial.It could in fact be seen as a comedy turn. Yorksire was also, strangely enough,the motherland of Industrial music, with Cabaret Voltaire,and Clock DVA in Sheffield, and Throbbing Gristle coming from Hull. The 'Holy City' of Leeds was a Goth Hotspot with The Sisters Of Mercy and The March Violets, not to mention commie agit-poppers Gang Of Four.
But, despite the general population of 'Gods Own Country', as they call it, having the reputation of racially intolerant simple folk, it was a hotbed of left-field creativity,where men first wore make-up to go out;this included the Steel-workers too.
Of course, all this has gone now, including the Steelworks, and is a microcosm of little-englander Brexit and Tory voting nationalists. They could do with listening to "Wot We Wukkers Want", because I don't think they know anymore!


Tracklist:

Wot We Wukkers Want
A1 Wot We Wukkers Want
A2 Midnight Peace
A3 A Hundred And One Zero S One Ng

One Step To The Next
B1 One Step To The Next
Performer
B2 Emes
DOWNLOAD whenever you workers want HERE!

Steve McCaffery ‎– "Research On The Mouth" (Underwhich Audiographic Series ‎– No. 1) 1978

No this is not a guide on how to kiss a young lady,or even a young man,or both, depending on your gender preference.Or any other use of the mouth in a sexual context.
I know I've already lost half of you already. Thats what made the Internet such a raging sucess, or suck cess......not acess to all information, be it inaccurate or otherwise, but easy access to porn.
The two things that have driven human advancement,if that's what you wanna call it, are War and shagging. So anything that makes these two thing more possible is gonna be a big hit with the sex crazed human animal, predominantly the sex-crazed, MALE, human animal.So if they don't get these basic male requirements they're gonna get violent and take it.Dangerous bastard is the Human male.
This is not a criticism but an observation of the bleeding obvious. I like a bit of the old in-out every now and again,the odd spot of War too. To live in this increasingly feminized world I am drawn to violent music as a portal for this natural predisposition towards violence,Catharsis is necessary to keep the illusion that we are a step or two above the other apes, going. Another more positive route is the male's sex driven need to create.So 'Art' is another important distraction from the need to destroy ones rivals for the mating rights. The basic needs for the human Female to create Art are completely different,and just as basic. to be loved and appreciated, to gain status as the woman most likely to bare the healthiest cubs.To be 'Noticed' by the Alpha-male artist. Most Artists are dictators in their own world, and most dictators think are artists.They need to be in control, and control the hareem.No scenario captures this animalistic behavoural trait better than the legions of young ladies screaming at the Pop Star at a concert during breeding season, who enjoys the choice of any female from the 'pride' to mate with. No matter how aware of this inate drive to carry the Alpha-males baby, its quite out of the womans control. The genetics say you must keep your eyes on the prize,and sacrifice your sisters to get there.Ruthless.
So for those of us males who don't have simperingly good looks and a hit record in the charts, they, I don't refer to me of course...I'm gorgeous......'They', turn to more introspective pastimes, like Abstract Impressionism, or making Sound Poetry,like Steve McCaffery. Not blessed with the looks of Brad Pitt, our Steve, a displaced South Yorkshireman in Canada, channelled his natural male violence and sexual need into research on the topography of the sounds that the human mouth can make. A far more admirable direction than plaster casting the erections of Rock stars.The plaster casters wouldn't have bothered making a cast of a sound poets erection.They only sought out the Alpha male,not the interesting 'Beta' variety. But as I said, this is a completely natural behavioural pattern that wouldn't be out of place in a group of Chimpanzees.
As a Beta male myself, i can heartily recommend this fantastic tape....but it won't get you laid. So you can forget that idea right now!.....unless you've got a hit in the charts or, a Ferrari?


Tracklist:


A1 S.I.S.M.A. (Movements 1 & 2)
A2 Portraits 1 - 34
A3 S1Z2Z1E1R2Z3
A4 Names For Cricket
A5 Structure Of Incident: A Little Valentine / Pleasant Ode For Vincent Trasov / S.I.S.M.A. (Movement 3)

B1 Aupe Relationships
B2 Black Aleph 1 & 2
DOWNLOAD from the mouth HERE!

Larry Wendt - "New And Slightly Used Text-Sound Compositions" (1977)

Would you buy a used Text-Sound Composition from this man?
Well,yes, but you don't have to,because in this new,and very brief caring economy that we find ourselves in due to the virus pandemic, it's free to health workers......in fact everyone,and not just for doing your job either!
Don't wanna piss on anyone's bonfire....well in fact yes I do.....but the sheer hypocrisy and condecending nature of this applauding of the state employees,and other care workers for doing what they are employed to do.Instead of actually paying them what they are worth is,...well... sickening.
Then there's that 99 year old WW2 vet who has raised 20 million quid, so far, for the NHS staff in the UK by walking round his garden 100 times.....shouldn't the Government be doing that? Then we have Kevin Bacon appearing on an advertisment for the mobile phone company for whom he is the 'face of'.....can't think of a prettier face to front your product brand can you?.....playing 'sincere Bacon',as he informs us that this very company that rips us off every week is providing FREE unlimited internet access and calls for Health Workers. Don't it just make your heart swell with pride at how wonderful us humans are when our lives are...allegedly ....in danger.At least the Heaklth Workers have a job....there are millions unemployed who can'y afford to eat!How about raising money for them? Meanwhile Charities are going out of business.
Nothing like this support for the people we rely on to survive happened before the Virus miraculously popped into existence, and it'll be straight back to normal after this nebulous 'vaccine' appears in ten years time or so.
So, health workers, in fact everyone, in this new 'sharing' society that doesn't exist outside a crisis(Thatcher was right again!)...here's my bit....download some Larry Wendt for FREE, and play track 5,"The Secrets of Life and Death", over and over again until the Virus infects itself with our simpering,self-congratulatory fakery and disappears up its own arse.If it has an arse,which is debatable because no-one is really sure if they are classifiable as 'Alive'.They don't grow, or have cells,and are simply made up of a set of genes bundled within a protective protein shell. They can't reproduce without a host cell,don't respond to stimuli,and can't make its own energy,but can adapt to their environment. The juries out,but the best that science can come up with is that they are 'Not Dead'.
"The secrets of the Dead and the Not-Dead"
Maybe its just that we humans are the real,and most lethal Virus, and as smaller viruses can in fact infect larger Viruses, this is just Mother Nature attempting to redress the balance and remove the part of the ecosystem that is endangering the existence of the whole? What more noble a gesture would it be if we sacrificed ourselves for the planet. I'm gonna start raising funds now by walking up and down my staircase for the noble nature saving cause of mass de-population...I got Bill Gates onside anyway.
But,you can't actually Kill a Virus,as it's barely 'alive'.One can only stop it from replicating....so maybe that's the answer to this human infection.....mass sterilization,or a more deadly Virus...Covid20.We are "Lost Among Dead Viruses"
Start donating now!
I'm not hearing any applause!!!???

Tracklist:

A1 Annabelle's Song
A2 Adaba
A3 How to Cook A Duck
A4 Lost Among Dead Giants
A5 The Secrets of Life and Death
B1 I'm Back
B2 Spiral
B3 In The Beginning Was The Whale
B4 The Spring
B5 There

Link Removed at the request of the Artist....buy it here if you're rich

Larry Wendt ‎– "Mythologiques" (Ocean Records/Composer Cassettes ‎– Vol.4) 1975

All I've got to say about this early Larry Wendt cassette has been said in my post on the later Wendt work "Sound Poems For An Era Of Reduced Expectations"

So, as this came with a pamphlet in the words of Larry himself, you can read about it in the great man's own blurb below. Even though I don't approve of artists explaining themselves, it saves me from straining my brane trying to think of something amusing to say.....suely I'm entitled to a day off....this tape is ridiculously good by the way,lots of spooky whispering,which is always the trade mark of the shy artist working alone in a room with family members near-by or arsehole neighbours ready with threats of phone calls to the authorities...or worse ....take it away Lazza.......

Tracklist:
A1 Annabelle’s Song
A2 Lost Among Dead Giants
A3 Pandora
A4 Berlin Adonis
A5 Sparten From The Start
A6 Log π Sutra

Link removed at the request of the Artist.....Buy it HERE!....if the myth that record collecting is a poor mans game is true?

Larry Wendt ‎– "Sound Poems For An Era Of Reduced Expectations" (Underwhich Editions ‎– Underwhich Audiographic Series – No. 5) 1979

You know what? I could listen to stuff like this all day long.Its got it all, abstract repetitive tape loops, disintegrating ambience, glitching 1970's computers,urban field recordings, lo-fi sound processing, drones, concréte poetry, a bloke with a beard sitting in room fiddling around with cassettes,a good pessimistic title, and tape hiss.Who needs instruments, in fact bin the instruments off,if I hear another guitar line, or 'phat' synth bass notes, I'll go as nuts as Larry Wendt obviously is.
The use of the adjective 'Sound-Poems' for this is rather tenuous, stretching the poetry part to an extreme.It has far more in common with Musique Concréte and old skool Industrial than Hugo Ball or even Jaap Blonk.Its basically the music I grew up with after glam and punk had burnt out and left me with UK DIY.There were legions of kids who would churn out tapes like this every week in 1979/80, mainly the wide ranging influence of Throbbing Gristle and Cabaret Voltaire rather than Larry Wendt, or even Hugo Ball.....although there is certainly a thread of distinct Dada influence by proxy that worked its way down from world war one era Germany into the bedrooms of Britains Youth......not that they were aware of this at all;but there were clearly many references in the works of The Instant Automatons and their various offshoots, like the Alien Brains, 391,and ,of course,Merz,which was a thinly veiled reference to Kurt Schwitters if ever there was one?
I'm figuring that the Dada influence on the North American continent was from a more intellectual angle,rather than fashion driven, as is mostly always the case in the UK,which exists as a mass consciousness as opposed to the individualism that US/Canadian culture is based on....its the vast distances involved in these north American countries that kills universal consciousness dead.
This is no longer the case however, as before the Internet the only way of meeting strangers from the other side of the continent was by snail mail,or telephone calls.Like communicating with an alien race,a conversation was impossible outside of your own town or star system,and that's where it stayed. In the UK anything good or bad, would invariably spread to the whole country within a month,generally stopping at the English Channel,and importing itself into the United States.The classic example being how American kids discovered UK Punk before they had even heard of the New York proto-punk groups from their own country.
Larry Wendt would not have heard of the UK Industrial Bands,but he was doing something very similar in Isolation.Naturally he wouldn't have stood a chance in Britain because he didn't 'look good'.You can't have one without the other 'inna inglan',as our jamaican sub-state would say,just like Americans would have never heard Reggae without it passing by 'Inglan' for the thumbs up first. Weird innit?
Welcome to a world of expanded expectations which expanded so much that it has destroyed entirely the thrill of the new.


Tracklist:

A1 Actaeon
A2 Zoo
A3 Gasoline
B1 Bugs, Crashes, And The Trash-80
B2 My Computer's First Words
B3 Rooster Music
B4 Next Door

Link removed at the request of the Artist.....buy it HERE if you're from a family of great expectations

Owen Sound ‎– "Sign Language" (Underwhich Editions ‎– No. 22) 1984

It proudly proclaims a liberal use of the Dolby Noise Reduction system on the insert!?
David St. Hubbins wife told us that "(Sound Poetry) should never be recorded in Dobly"....which is probably true. 
Is Tape Hiss part of the performance? Is it as important as the other 'sounds'?
There have been at least two or three cassettes that comprised entirely of Tape Hiss.One tape of pretentious Tape Hiss that particularly stands out in my mind, was by 'Anti-Art' Artists, The New Blockaders' " Epater Les Bourgeois " . Although what happens to that concept when you switch the Noise reduction ,on, is another matter entirely.The Dobly, or Dolby,to be accurate,noise reduction system was always pretty shit anyway.Not only did it suppress the tape hiss on the cassettes,it also suppressed the frequencies of the music.You lost most of the high-end when that button was pressed,and everything had a muffled quality,no matter which version you used, 'A,B,C or professional'.So embrace the Hiss,and swith the Dobly,and the Dolby,OFF!.
Hiss aside, this tape features Richard Truhlar in his group of Canadian Sound Poets, Owen Sound.Captured live from 1976-78 in places like the "Cabaret Voltaire" Art Gallery,mmmmm fancy(?),in Toronto.Which is a nod towards the Dada-esque origins of this kind of vocal sound manipulation.And before the more well know Cabaret Voltaire had released a record.
I can reveal,however, that the over-riding and essential ingredient of Dada is indeed present here;which is ,'a sense of humour'.The audience seems to find it amusing anyway,which suggests a dirth of Art Luvvies to spoil it all for everyone.
So the moral of this text is, dump the Dolby and bin off the luvvies....for the greater good of everybody.

DOWNLOAD some sound powentry HERE!

Richard Truhlar ‎– "Kali's Alphabet" (Underwhich Audiographic Series – No. 14) 1982

This is the kind of Sound Poetry that I appreciate.
None of that facial gurning,throat straining, and spittle expectorating phonetics and lip vibrating nonsense. This is more in the found sounds with text form of the genre. 
Its all processed through various modulators,synths and tape echo's,so much so it reminds one of early industrial music rather than Sound Poetry. A lot of this wouldn't have been out of place on any of the official Throbbing Gristle albums.
Calling this Sound Poetry automatically lumbers it with the 'Pretentious tag', which isn't entirely unfair.Especially as there's a quote from French intellectual Roland Barthes,of whom normal people would never have heard of without a 5G internet connection; and the young lady who provided the looped voice for the opening track is credited as 'Poet' ,Sharon Theson,rather than just Sharon Theson. Poets have a disquieting tendancy to add this epithet to their normal names.The only reason for this I can think of is a attempt for they to elevate themselves above the herd. You'll never find the ordinary blue collar operative entitling herself 'Welder' Marjory Dawes for example.....(I consciously tried to be non-gender in my role assaignment there.....won't happen again!).....In France this can be a nightmare.Once they find out that one has 'Artist' written as one's profession on one's tax statement, they virtually fall at your feet proclaiming you as a great 'createur' for all to praise. This sickening grovelling to even the worst Artist or Artisan,of which France is brimming over with, is so deeply embedded in French Culture that there really is no escaping it.Personally I dislike 'Artists' as much as I do Musicians, except non-artists,Dilettantes and non-musicians of course,to whom this blog is dedicated.

DOWNLOAD in alphabetical order HERE!

Richard Truhlar ‎– "Growling In The Roofbeams" (Underwhich Audiographic Series – No. 10) 1984

Canadian Sound Poet and electro acoustic composer Richard Truhlar, made quite a few cassttes during the 80's and 90's, of which this is one of the more Sound Poety ones,although with a slightly industrial edge,which helps to stop one's mind from wandering. Loops of phonetic mouth noises are repeateded in a very Boyd Rice kind of fashion.This makes this a far more interesting direction to listen to as opposed to the unaccompanied voice which can be rather cringeworthy,and makes one whince at its awkwardness...as in whincing for the performer rather than oneself.I'm very comfortable at not being a sound poet thank you.
The cover looks like a still from "The Exorcist" and some of the music could easily be mistaken for the voices of the demon's one conjoured up during those winter nights during the power cuts of 1973 with a Waddington's Ouija Board.


Tracklist:

A1 Berlin Abstract
A2 Glaucoma Sonata
A3 King of Hell
A4 Thousandyear Eve
A5 London Trilogy
A6 Vasarely's Nightmare
A7 Gitr
B1 Ai
B2 Accident In America
B3 Raskolnikov
B4 Asthma
B5 Variations On A Word From James Joyce's "Ulysses"

DOWNLOAD cus satan wants you for a roofbeam HERE!