Tuesday, 13 October 2020

The Zchivago Reviews Series - 1/The Fucking Joshua FuckingTree by U fucking Two!!!


The first inductees into to Die Or DIY?'s Rock'n'Roll Hall of Shame is predictably the only band of their generation not to split up and inevitably became huuuge! Repeating yourself is the cheapest form of mind control,and no-one did it for better or worse than U fucking 2.
OMFG!...apparently Radio 2 in the Uk,compiled the 'public's votes as to what or who was the ..."best" album of eighties ...they overwhelmingly chose...eh?...no, not "Closer", or ""Flowers Of Romance" or"Information Overload Unit"...but....eh?...."The Joshua Tree", by U2...cough!
Don't worry, I won't give them the satisfaction of you downloading this absolute shit without me remixing it. There are at least three reasons that anyone owning this relevance bypass should be re-educated in a chinese gulag
The |First One definitely is, I hate any fucking album that starts off with three singles. Two, Bono, and Thirdly,....er....Bono. Such a bastard that has never existed outside the depressing world of late eighties stadium rock.
The cover has these Irish bumpkins posing in a desert...Bono...of course is in profile ......since when has the verdant Emerald Isle ever had any desert features....ever? .....What the fuck are they going on about?
The long introduction to the opener, "Where the streets have no name"(wot?), does nothing but wish you could take,welshman, 'the Edge's delay pedal and throw it under an oncoming steam roller.
This came out when I was a rather bizarre,and troubled, 23 year old, so I was in the age group that should go "Wow!" at  this pompous crap. However, i had heard those singles, and what was clear to me was that these terrible ditties were obviously the product of 'Writers Block'.This is the kind of shit one comes out with when you are contractually obliged to provide a 'Hit'. In fact, in the time honoured fashion of groups a la mode, 'Hit' is the second word in 'Shit', so any shit will be a 'Hit', and that's what this stinks of.
Thank christ that Acid House stopped a "Joshua Tree 2"......it's a sad day when I thank dance music for saving us from a great banal evil such as this,but in this case its necessary.
These supercilious dick 'eads, even had the gall to write a 'song' about "the Disappeared" in Northern Ireland...is there no depths that this quartet of cunts wouldn't stoop to for their own...er...Bono's.....self- righteous indignation.....so much so that these total cunts moved their 'business' to Holland to avoid Irish taxes....Cunts....no sorry, I didn't mean that...Fucking Cunts is what i meant to say.
But as we now know what a buch of Fucking Cunts these twats are and were, i've 're-mixed this terminally crap record..which I illegally downloaded by the way,...and made it into something 'edgy' for the 2020's.(Which was about ten minutes work by the way!)
I can quite confidently say that this record is one of the shittest records ever made by one of the shittest bands who never had the dignity to break up, that ever played a musical instrument....That's my review..and I think there's more to come.


1.Where The Streets Have No Name (Zchivago Remix)
2.I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For 
(Zchivago Remix)
3.With Or Without You 
(Zchivago Remix)
4.Bullet The Blue Sky 
(Zchivago Remix)
5.Running To Stand Still 
(Zchivago Remix)
6.Red Hill Mining Town 
(Zchivago Remix)
7.The Rest of the album (Zchivago Remix)

mb...I couldn't be arsed to remix all of it....you may thank me for that.


FiveGunsWest said...

Best blog post all year. We all love you Jonny!!! LOL. These fucking wankers came to where I lived at the time and bought out 9 beach houses and vacant lots between them in Malibu. The Coastal Commission and the City of Malibu told them to fuck off, they couldn't tear down the existing houses and build a huge U-Hoo compound there. The Audubon Bird Sanctuary land these hosers wanted to buy too. The rich fucking testicle juggling bastards went to war with the city and won! They outspent the city. I moved out of town, didn't want to be near fascist pill raggers such as these boner biting bastards are. They wanted to close down the beach to the public, who are allowed to walk at the water's edge. Then these semen guzzling twats moved the beach allowable walk way signs 30 feet out into the ocean. These guys are like Trump worshippers. These PBA (paint bucket asshole) poofters would then go walk around the public beach....Zuma....pretending to be low key. The Edge has a Direct TV dome under that knit cap. They hang around with that fat prick on his bike that produced the world's worst Johnny Cash records. I worship the ground that awaits these tossers!

rev.b said...

...and the choir shouts "Amen."

Jonny Zchivago said...

LOL!Thank you five guns....i may have stooped rather uneruditely into the last sanctuary of the inarticulate...sweary words....in my balanced review of U2's greatest turd...but words of three syllables or more would be an insult to the dictionary if i had used more than just 'Supercilious' when refering to these chaps.....oh alright then...Twats!
Pray tell, is that fat prick that def jam cunt by any chance,who made Cash sell out to nine inch nails fans..with that 'Boo-Hoo i'm so sad I am' cover somg,that i forgot the name of?

Jonny Zchivago said...

@rev.b let us pray to the dark void that awaits them in Oblivion, 13 Amen's a bakers dozen of Hail Mary's, and a Bloody Mary to represent the Blood of Elvis 1956 vintage.

I See Sea said...

U2 suck big hairy balls. I HATED this album when first released (I still despise it, Bon(g)o is a self-satisfied ego wank). I'm downloading this solely on the premise that you have made something more interesting than the dull drivel they put out (shouldn't be too hard, right?) But, as my old man used to say "you can't polish a turd" So here I go, it better be an improvement or I will hunt you down and force feed you cold porridge via a guttering pipe up you arse. Cheers!

Lizzerd Johnny Jewl said...

I'm Looking forward to the next Hall of Lame induction!

Jonny Zchivago said...

@ I See Sea...LOL....you said Bongo....Bono wrote a letter to Captain Beefheart asking if he was interested in working with him...The Captain replied..."Dear Bongo, No. don VanV."
I hope you like the remix...i actually forgot to upload one of the tracks.Track 1 and 2 are good anyway.....just don't force porridge up my arse pleeze....it bonzo's fault.

Jonny Zchivago said...

@ Lizzerd Johnny Jewl....coming up sooon, and its a real sacred cow too....the very words 'sacred' and 'Cow' attracts my venom like bee's to honey.

Anonymous said...

Regarding the desert motif that is where the Joshua Tree park is located in the glorious people's republic of California.
Quite possibly one of the most overrated bands ever and Bono is a twat of colossal magnitude.
As for HQ 80s albums cutting floor outtakes by the Cure, Smiths, Tones On Tail, blow this Hot Topic corporate rock yawn fest right out of the water.
The World Party album from the year before this album is better.
It is fun to play along when someone hypes up a shit ridden album by acting like you enjoy it as well.

northfieldhat said...

These guys are from England and who gives a shit?

or, anagrammed:
oh, negativists shadow frugal renegade hymens.

Softshoebanana said...

Hahaha...funniest thing I've read in ages, what makes it even funnier is that it's all fucking bang on the money.

Anonymous said...

Since when was Dublin in England.

Jonny Zchivago said...

There's an english ex-footballer who's called Dublin? He now presents a morning TV show about buying houses in auctions.
There's several 'Dublin's in the USA,which might go a long way to explaining the desert backdrop.

Jonny Zchivago said...

@Softshoebanana - glad you were entertained,which is more than U2 ever did in the realms of good taste,or even good bad taste....just their faces say 'we are NOT funny in the slightest'! You can see Bongo's profile just screaming "I'm thinking about starving children I am" to the sound of earnest cash registers and humble applause.

Dante D said...

…er, what about Sting, then?
Asking for a friend.

Jonny Zchivago said...

Sting???...sorry ,can't place the name?

Ian said...

A coincidence that Mr. Z posts this on the heels of I Am the Fly, which nods to the Fly persona adopted by Paul Hewson on one of Ute Ooze overblown tour excursions? No such thing as a coincidence is my belief. Here or anywhere else.

Ian said...

Oh yes, the sounds. Who let Tom Smith into the room?

Jonny Zchivago said...

@Ian.....as I was nominated for Mojo Magazines Golden Turd award for Obsessional Minutiae about the same old fucking bands to enable eternal bouts of arse licking while waiting to do another Beatles special award award...I am partially ashamed that I don't know who Paul Hewson is,or was,and am struggling to care that i don't!.....next up those fucking Clash Bastards!

Philip Johnson said...

Sorry if you’re joking, but Paul Hewson = Bono.

I’m tempted to have a go at doing my own interpretation of this album, but since it would involve actually listening to U2 it might be difficult.

Jonny Zchivago said...

Hi Phiip,
May I suggest making a version of this album without listening to it.I think that's a fine concept myself.Having listened to half of it in bits, i can' recommend that you don't hear a single pompous note of this weapon of mass hypnosis.

No I wasn't joking,I understandably never knew Bono had any name other than Bono...except maybe Bongo. His mumu and dad must have been a right pair of pisstakers.

parmalee said...

There's a funny video from a couple of years ago in which Edge--or _the_Edge or whatever the fuckhisnameis--falls off a stage. It's funny because it's not like he's jumping around or anything--he's just sorta standing there and then he falls over _the edge_. It kinda represents what U2 is all about: they fail without even trying.

vincentsear said...

dear Jonny, just want to say thank you. reality has landed.brilliant.

Axolotl said...

The dignity of the Irish people is permanently compromised by the fact that we spawned U2. What an albatross around our necks. What a cross to bear. Of that specific generation of Irish punk bands that U2 came out of (1978-1982, ish), every other musician either gave up on the music business or died in a freak accident. U2 are the only band that really "made it". God forgive us.

Jonny Zchivago said...

I Feel for you as a nation Axolotl. Like Germans endlessly apologising for World war 2 and the Nazi'z,it has became clear that ordinary Irish folk are noticeably starting their conversations with strangers with a heartfelt apology for U2,even before they bring up the Potato Famine!?
We know its not your fault,it could have happened anywhere.